Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Not my plans

I thought of something this morning. Something  I think is worth blogging about, considering this is basically my therapy session published for anyone to read. I need to process these thoughts, and ideas and turn them into positivity.

This morning my husband left for a his VERY FIRST business trip. I was very excited for him but in honesty I was excited for myself as well. I figured he's away on business this means I get to do things I WANT to do instead of what we want to do. I started making plans over a week ago for the 2/3 days he will be away. I wanted to have lots of play time with Asher maybe go to the children's museum. I made plans with friends and arranged a babysitter so I could have a night out! I figured it would be a great and quick 2/3 days of rejuvenation. I could make what I enjoyed for meals, I could clean at my leisure while Asher was at grandmas and the list goes on and on and on of all the lovely things I wanted to do.

Well what happens the second I give Jacob a big kiss and send him on his way? All my plans and I quite literately mean everything I wanted to do slowly one by one started falling through or apart completely. I no longer have a babysitter due to sickness (completely understandable seeing as everybody around me is sick at the moment) and then my father no longer agreed to watch Asher on my day of work, our bank account took a very surprising dip because of unseen bills that needed to be paid. Normally this stuff wouldn't bother me that much, its all things that happen in life. People get sick, bills need to be paid...unseen things pop up. I totally get that. It just seems to me that for the last 2-3 weeks every time I make plans or schedule out activities for myself or Asher they keep falling through.

Today I made the realization that maybe all these things keep falling through because God has other plans, different plans and most likely BETTER plans but I have failed in asking Him how would He like me to be spending my time and money.  Is it possible that God just wants me to slow down? To focus on what holds more importance such as getting enough sleep, spending more time with Asher, a tended to home and organization and that is why my plans never hold up.

God, I see your trying to tell me something. I'm not exactly sure what it is yet but I'm listening.  This song sums up perfectly how I'm feeling today. This is my prayer Lord. 

Monday, February 6, 2012

A bigger picture

Its time not for a new start or beginning because to many times I've said "this is a changing day- a new day". This time its different, this time its a continuation, a leap of faith and a longing for true forever change. Something that doesn't make me new but instead takes me to my essence, my core being- a  heart longing after God's own heart. This is where I don't try but I DO. I show myself mercy, understand and forgiveness because I am not perfect. I will fail but now I will allow myself to fail. To rise again, dust myself off and keep going instead of sinking deeper into my own muddy despair. I will love myself and others the way God calls me to, not the way I feel I or they deserve.

I will make small obtainable goals and not expect everything to come easily and change over night. I will enjoy the quiet moments and embrace the overwhelming one second at a time. I will seek God and His ways, and His wisdom before my own pleasures and desires. God and His way, His plan and His word are now my main desire.

I choose to be different and stand out in the crowd. I will be a "Jesus freak" or a "bible thumper" for HE is the reason I am alive and so blessed beyond words. For it is not by my own works but HIS GRACE that I am saved.

Proverbs 31:30
"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."