Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Writing a book?

So for the longest time I've wanted to write a book....I've started dozen of times. I seem to reach a certain point and stop. Why? Im not quite sure but I'd figure Id share the only draft I saved. I'd love some feedback. It is something you are interested in reading? Should I continue with this idea? Any feedback is helpful, thanks!

I started a memoir called "Giggles and Cries: The ups and downs of a young married mother"


      I’ve always been the girl of a thousand ideas, but never the girl to bring those ideas to fruition. God has blessed me with a very active imagination but when it comes to following through; let’s just say it has never been my strong point. I can remember, as I’m sure my parents can as well, as young girl I always had big plans for my future. It started out as an astronaut, the first female astronaut to land on the moon to be precise. That dream started in my elementary years sometime around the age of eight and continued until the age of twelve. It was then that I realized astronauts didn’t just jump into a space shuttle and off they fly into universe, they were smart; exceptionally smart. I never considered myself as an exceptional student and when my father informed me that astronauts had to be really good at math, in my mind it sealed my fate here on earth. Math has never been and will never be my forte.

After the death of my first childhood dream many, many others came and went.  Dreams of being a pianist, a teacher, a pastor, a singer in an all-girl band, a hair stylist, a poet, a painter,  a photographer but one thing I always knew I would be one day without a shadow of a doubt was a wife and mother. I had an overwhelming nurturing, motherly instinct since, well, birth I believe. A truly God given desire to be the best possible wife and mother I could be. An unbearable love and a compassion for my unborn children and future husband before I even knew how babies were made. I have always loved being in love, or the thought of being in love. I was always dreaming of my knight in shining armor and the cutest little babies that we would have after our glorious fairy tale wedding. That is why I started writing when I was around the age of thirteen I found myself enthralled with the idea of love, any kind of love. Love from God, my parents, my sister, and dare I even say love from a boy. I began writing little poems about different boys I liked and the feelings that accompany a young girl blossoming into her teenage years.

I found myself inspired by photos, and scenery but mostly music. Music to this day still has a way of reaching a spot in my soul that nothing else can. In fact, I am currently listening to quiet piano music as I write this chapter. I will never forget the first song that inspired me to write, it was by a band name LaRue, a brother and sister duo who sang Christian music. I was like a love sick puppy enamored with the older brother named Phillip and the sister Natalie sang so beautifully I wanted to be just like her. The song was from their album “Transparent” titled “Fallen for you” the very first line of the song reads “As though the world was wearing black and you were wearing white”, that line right there jump started a whole new world and a whole new dream for me.  It was that line that I wrote my very first poem from and after that I knew, writing was something I would continually build on. A gift God had given me that one day I would use for His glory, and His praise. That is why this book is such a big deal for me. For so long I have wanted to be something great, had this desire to do something great - little did I know it was right in front of my face. The one thing I thought was nothing special will turn into something spectacular. 

Like I stated earlier following through has never been my strong point. I played multiple instruments, so many that I am not even sure I could name them all and yet I have nothing to show for it. I always quit when it gets too difficult; when something challenges me past my comfort zone or my currently ability level I have the tendency to run from it. This is strange because I’ve always been a strong-willed woman, known for my independence, my strength but my lack of determination has affected me for far too long. Determination has now become the driving force behind my writing. I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I want to be able to say I finished something, and that it meant something. So here is my follow through and only by God’s grace and His strength will I finish this book.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Zipped shut, locked and the key thrown away

wooo baby, I'll be honest in saying this post will not be an easy one for me as I am sitting here shaking. I want to simply go off on the things that upset me and why....but I have to constantly remind myself that sweet little quote from Bambi..."If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" or the ever popular mentality of "kill them with kindness".

This goes against my nature, my personality and my attitude in so many ways. I am not a quiet-sit-in-the-corner person. I am also not a fighter, I strongly abhor confrontation especially over fivorlous things and I would much rather be happy and smiley, but there I'd be lying if I didn't say things often upset me to the point of tears, shaking and absolutely rage. Anything I feel strongly about or feel as if I am loosing respect over sends me over the top in about .01 seconds flat. This has forced me to learn very quickly I can't always act on those feelings and anger. It is easily one of the hardest things in my life that I am determined to work on. I choose to respect others even when I myself am not respected. I choose to conduct myself in a lady-like and Christ-like manner and spouting off when I'm upset, or giving them a piece of my mind does not fall into those categories.

Make no mistake, I am not a push over but I will do my very best to reprimand you respectfully and tastefully. I figure this has a bigger impact that being  rude, condescending and every other horrible attribute you can imagine. Hear me when I say....I could easily tell you exactly how I feel, I could easily make you as upset as you made me, I could be rude, disrespectful and so much more but I have more respect for myself and I am more mature than that.

So please, treat me the way I treat you. No secret undertones, no under the breath cursing....respect and kindness. The way Jesus tells us to treat each other.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

I can do it myself, Im a big kid!

Uh oh, I feel as if I am a little child about to apologize to her parents....I know I told you I was posting Mondays and Wednesdays but I'll be honest this week I felt a little overwhelmed and I spent the majority of my week, working at the coffee shop in the morning, being mommy and cleaning in the afternoons then bust my little bum on homework once the lil monster eventually fell asleep. So I figured, homework took priority over my blog posts. I'm thinking most people will respect that decision. Sorry for the late post, hopefully I'll still post Monday as planned.

I love that way the smallest events influence and inspire my writings and not just that but my thought patterns as well. Five minutes ago Asher did something (for the millionth time) that made me stop and go, WOW God, I love the way you use him to show me things about you and about my relationship with you. Its so great the way I get a real life illustration of how God relates, loves and thinks of us. 

 I have always been an independent woman. Just ask my parents-- this developed at an extremely young age, from two years old and on I always believed I could do it myself or at least I would try my very hardest a couple hundred million times before admitting I may need a little bit of  help and guidance. This has always been my default thought process. "Oh I can do this, I don't need any help. I can figure this out no problem." I would want to everything even though I was obviously to little or young to do these things on my own. I was determined I could do them on my own or figure out a way to help myself. I could always pour my own drinks, I would want to dress myself, I didn't need mommy and daddy to do it. I can do it myself, I'm a big kid!

When I found out I was pregnant I remember my mother and I specifically laughing and joking about the fact that my child will most likely be JUST like me and then I could see it through the eyes of a parent and how difficult it is to step back and just let your child make mistakes. Well, guess what....we were right, Asher is identical to mommy (and daddy for that matter, Jacob is pretty independent as well). We created a mini-human that feels almost identical to us in nature. I never realized how incredibly hard and completely frustrating it must have been for my parents raising a strong independent mini woman. I sit here and watch Asher and think to myself "Oh little boy, don't just don't, it will save you so much trouble if you stop dropping you car  behind the couch". I can't resist saying something to him. I can't tell you how many times I've repeated to Asher "Hunny, let mommy help you please." and of course he refuses.

This morning as I am sitting here sipping my morning coffee and beginning what I thought would be a short, post about the funny things in marriage; Asher proceeds to take his juice cup and pull the lid off and spill it all down the front of himself. I chuckle because he is soaked and very upset that he spilled it all down his front. I tell him "You need to leave the lid on your juice hunny. You're too little to open it yourself, you'll spill it every time." I clean him up, get him some new clothes and more juice. Then not 3 minutes later what happens? He is screaming again I look back already knowing what I'm going to find. Juice, all down his front and this time on his face. I proceed to clean him up again and this time get a new screw-on-top cup and then hand it to him and say "Here is a new cup, guess you can't handle the other one yet." and it hits me. 

Imagine how God feels about us trying to do things by ourselves. I guarantee he knows we are going to spill it everywhere. He must stand there thinking, "I handed you this cup to see if you can handle the responsibility of it. If you use it correctly the way I gave it to you, you'll be fine. But if you take matters into your own hands and want the lid off because you think you can handle more well then its all going to fall apart and spill in your face." It makes me laugh to think God just sees just as little children learning things on our own when He is there to offer so much help, guidance and knowledge. We don't rely on him or ask him because we think we are big kids...all grown up. We don't need anyone's help! No wonder things don't go according to our plan. I'm sure there have been times in my life where God hands me a new "cup" because I couldn't handle the other one yet. It was too much for me to handle and I didn't listen to Him and His guidance so for my own good he had to take it away.

So here is my new prayer Lord. Teach me to use my cup that you give me. Help me to realize you have my best interest in mind--ALWAYS. I know I can't always do this alone, please Lord help me to know when I need you. That in everything I do, no matter how big or how small you are dying to be apart of it. You stand there watching, waiting, thinking "I'm just waiting for you to ask me to help you my love, I will make things easier. I will help in ways you don't even know will help." Thank you for being my daddy. Thank you for always being beside me just waiting for me to ask for help and honestly Lord thank you for not forcing me. You know my heart, you know the way I am for you created me. You know how important it is to me that your always there even when I think I don't need help. Even when I think I've got everything figured out. You're amazing Lord. Thank you for teaching me something new everyday. Amen.

Monday, September 5, 2011

The things mom and dad don't tell you about

This commences my new blogging schedule, and I am really excited about it. I have decided to start blogging every Monday and Thursday. I would love to hear what others want to read please please please comment your suggestions, thoughts and anything really. Comments are what keep me going, the encouragement is nice and seeing what interests my "readers" is always important.

I got a suggestion off of my facebook from my friend Elizabeth. She suggested the topic of marriage and I figured that would be a great topic to kick of my regular posting. Also, Elizabeth has her own blog click to check it out! I have to support my fellow bloggers, plus she has a great blog.

I have decided the perfect title to this post about marriage is "The things mom and dad don't tell you about". The reason why I picked that title is because in my own life and marriage that was the number one thing I found myself questioning and asking myself. How in the world did my parents NOT telling me about this? Don't get me wrong I'm not completely naive, I didn't go into my marriage or into my life thinking it would be perfect, easy or fun all the time; but in all honesty I'm shocked at some of the things that went undiscussed.

Let me give you a bit of background in case you don't know these things about me. I am currently 23 years of age, my husband is exactly 2 weeks older than me and our son turned 2 in June. Now back in 2007 Jacob (my husband) and I started dating and very, very quickly became engaged. As you can imagine not everyone, in fact a very select few people were actually excited about this news. We are all of 19 years old and of course everyone assumed we were jumping into things far to quickly. Jacob and I were sure of ourselves and knew wholeheartedly that we were not going into this engagement and ultimately marriage completely blind and ignorant. I can say that its fair to say that damn near every single person we knew questioned us at least once, whether it was to our face or behind our backs. We stayed strong and preserved knowing we had to make everyone else eat their words and realize we aren't just stupid teenagers making rash decisions.

So fast forward about a year later, well 10 months and I am in the midst of planning our wedding for the summer of 2009, when we get the shocking news that instead of having a wedding in June, we would be having a baby! We did not plan this mind you, and not that I need to defend myself, but I was on birth control. Jacob and I were overwhelmed with excitement yet frozen with fear. We always knew we wanted children and we knew we wanted them young but we didn't expect it THIS quickly. So here we go with round two of making everyone around us question everything we are doing. Of course the news of having a baby at 21 years old didn't excite most people at first, but once everyone realized how excited we were and  saw we are completely devoted to being the best parents we could be, things settled down and new life brought excitement. Jacob and I quickly decided we wanted to be married before the baby came and had a nice, quiet and intimate wedding in February of 2009 and our son was born shortly after in June 2009.

Okay, so now that you have a bit of background on mine and Jacob's past and decided to keep reading this long winded post...I'll get to the good stuff.

When Jacob and I got married, I knew marriage was not easy. I knew that I would have to work at it, but there was a lot that honestly I didn't know about. I was rather upset that my mom or no one for that matter failed to mention such things, or maybe I failed to notice/listen. Here is my list and this is just off the top of my head, I'm sure if I kept a true list I could add to it daily. Haha.

 Things I never knew about marriage:

  • Marriage is a mirror
  • As women/mothers we have are own special cross to bear
  • You will argue about the most meaningless things as if they are life and death.
  • Marriage is not fair, don't ever think it is.
  • You will never understand the true meaning of sacrifice and compromise until your married or/and have children.
  • You get sick of being married some times...ITS NORMAL.
  • You always, ALWAYS have to work at marriage.
  • Love is a VERB, not a feeling.
That list could go on and on for days...and I originally wanted to write about each one of those topics but when I started to do that I realized I could easily write a blog post about each one of those things. So If you would like to me to expand on one or more of those topics just leave me a comment and I will make it a future post.

As you can see marriage is a forever learning process. I strongly believe our divorce rate is so high for multiple reasons but one of the main reasons is because people are to quickly to just quit at any sign of hardship thinking "marriage isn't suppose to be hard"....well I'm sorry friends but that is the biggest joke I've ever heard. If marriage wasn't suppose to be hard, than frankly, NO ONE would be married. Not a single person. Marriage is not perfect, its not always easy, or even fun. Its exhausting, strenuous, but it can push you and make you and mold you into not only an amazing person, but an amazing couple and family. God uses not only the big things but the smallest things to shape you into the person He created you to be. Through hardship and pain comes unbelievable reward, happiness and a love you will never find anywhere else. The way a husband loves his wife, and wife loves her husband is irreplaceable. 

I may complain about Jacob, I may get so furious with him that I can't even be in the same room as him, but until I am completely perfect, blemish free which will never be; I am only responsible for myself. In marriage it is so hard to focus on yourself and things you need to work on instead of just screaming and pointing the finger at the behaviors your spouse needs to correct. Let me just leave you with this verse for it is one I repeat daily in my head to remind myself of what God says about me pointing a finger.

This is from the message: I love the message because of its contemporary language. 

Matthew 7:1-5
"Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor" 

Here is the NIV
Matthew 7:1-5
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Get excited!

New post coming on Monday....its already in the works! Get excited because I am!!! :)