Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Its never good enough

I am a bit apprehensive to do this post right now, I have difficulty writing when I am going through a rough time. I have decided to go along with the new "creativity discovering" self and I am forcing myself to post today. Now, I need to play my cards carefully because I could easily turn this post into me just complaining and bashing people and situations I am upset with. I am consciously choosing not to go that route (even though some times I believe releasing those emotions through writing can be therapeutic, publicly is not appropriate)

My topic today though, applies perfectly for what I am experiencing personally. "Good is never good enough"--I can not count how many times I've told myself this. In all truthfulness I BELIEVE THAT. Maybe its not exactly healthy for me to believe that but given my circumstances, history and experiences I really believe that no one is ever "good enough". I have my days where I am a total cynic--I'm not proud of admitting that because generally I am an optimistic person. Everyone has their days and their moments, its seems like when I have mine they aren't just bad days, they are the worst possible days ever and my brain just gets on overload, feels as if it could completely fall apart and anything and everything that happens that day is the end of the world. Now, some people call that dramatic or would call me a drama queen when the reality of the situation is I have such low, bad, horrible days because I choose to have so few. I get all the crap, all the hurt, all the cynic out of me at once and then choose to have a great couple of weeks maybe even months and then I have my one day or couple of days where I let it all out again. The hardest part of this, I don't get to choose the day where it all come pouring out. I can sense when its getting close but it always seems to take my by surprise.

This morning for example....I did NOT expect today to be my "loose it" day. But it is. I had planned on a nice morning in my head. I was going to get up early drop Asher (my son) off to his grandmothers and return home to get ready for my day, quietly, peacefully and alone. Which in my life is an extreme rarity. I wanted to have a nice long hot shower, have time to blow dry and straighten my hair, eat a nice bowl of oatmeal and drink my cafe au lait cuddled up in the corner of my couch all while Dave Matthews plays quietly in the background. It was the morning most mothers would dream of. Well, that did not happen. In fact thing of every little thing that could ruin a morning and it probably happened to me today.

I found myself by 9:30am collapsed on the ground in tears (for the 3rd time mind you), screaming "I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS TODAY!" It has felt as if no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try---I am never good enough. Some one or even something is always telling me "DO BETTER, THIS IS NOT ENOUGH....YOU HAVE TO DO MORE" It was a total sucker punch to the stomach this morning. As if life said to me "You want to have a lovely, relaxing morning yeah well don't we all *PUNCH* NOT TODAY sweetheart, not today."

I picked myself up off the floor, continued to cry as I showered for work and screamed the words to Limp Bizkit's "Break Stuff" (now if you  have never heard this song PLEASE PLEASE look it up, first you will get a great laugh at the thought of me screaming this on my way to work and secondly you will do the same next time your upset. haha) I am now sitting at my desk at work thinking over my morning and praying that the rest of my day doesn't follow suit.

I wish I could say I am in a place where I have understood that I truly am "good enough" and everything will be okay, but no need to lie. I don't feel that way today. Time may change my opinion but like I said judging on my circumstances, my history and my experiences...

It will never be good enough.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Easy never comes easily

After writing the title to this post I realized how undeniably perfect that title is for NUMEROUS things in my life. In fact, I just might change my blog title to "easy never comes easily." Its just such a beautifully, intoxicating way of describing me, my life and everything. As much as I enjoy simplicity I must admit my life is anything but simplistic. That could actually be why I enjoy simplicity so much and why the simple small little details in life are what make me the happiest.

Some of my fondest memories of childhood don't include things such as television, Internet, new toys, the best clothes or anything of that sort. My favorite times are when I am as far away from those things as possible, in a place where possessions and your appearance just plain don't matter. I am a free spirited, dance in the rain, travel the world, hippie child at heart. Its not very realistic for me to be that way but in my heart of hearts I'm running wild and free with braids in my hair, a peace sign and smelling of fresh jasmine. Just the idea of that puts a huge smile on my face.

Now that I am an adult with a husband, a son, and lots of bills to pay-- I find my heart dreaming of simplicity. Don't get me wrong, I don't dream of being alone or a different life. What I would give for a day free of stress, free of worry, free of obligations. A day where my husband, son and I could just BE. No schedules, no having to check our bank account, no phone calls, no emails, no time constraints....JUST LIVING. Waking up when we feel like it, eating breakfast at noon, and laying on the beach or hiking around the sand dunes, taking a swim and not worrying about the sand getting in uncomfortable places, not worrying about our hair and my make-up, or what clothes we are wearing that day. Not worrying about the work that lies ahead or about how we are going to make ends meat. Boy, oh boy that's how I imagine heaven. Perfection in the presence of God, with everything our hearts desire and SO MUCH more. I can't wait for that glorious day.

So my post today was a bit more random than I would have liked, but I think my soul needed that moment. The moment the sit and enjoy and ponder the fact that one day life will be everything we want. It most certainly will not be here on earth (THANK GOD) but it gives me hope in knowing its coming. And its coming sooner than any of us can know. Could be tomorrow- Could be next week- Could be 3 minutes from now. Are you ready? I sure am.

Because even though my life on this earth is anything but easy...I have the life of my imagination in heaven just waiting for me.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Finding Inspiration

Shauna Niequist is one of my favorite writers, she has written two books, Cold Tangerines and Bittersweet. I follow her through her facebook and on her website but more specifically her blog. Her latest entries have been on her advice to aspiring writers and I found this so applicable to me and my life as a whole not just my writing. Here is a link to Shauna's website/blog if you want to take a look at the posts I am referring too.

In case you didn't go to her blog, I'll give you my short "what Amber noticed" version. One thing that really caught my attention was the way she talked about inspiration. Now, I have always been the type who loves to write but quite honestly- I whine and complain because I don't feel "inspired". I didn't know what to write about and then I would eventually come to the conclusion that I wasn't meant to write and it would be easier for me if it was something I was meant to pursue. YA RIGHT. I love the fact that when I read what Shauna wrote I felt as if I wasn't alone in this battle of "writing inspiration". She says "I believe less and less in the myth of inspiration—the cartoon light bulb over your head, falling into a writing trance, losing track of time, pulling over your car on the side of the road because the magical idea came like a bolt of lightning right then.I write when it’s time to write, when my son’s at school. I can’t stay up all night and write. I can’t wait around for a cartoon light bulb. I choose to believe that inspiration is my responsibility—I create it in the life I lead. And this means something different for every creative person."

I have decided to take this a personal challenge. I am challenge myself to live a more creative life, to truly devulge myself into my own creativity - ALL THE TIME. This means, like Shauna stated, I will set aside time to write. Not start writing when I feel as if I have something special and magical and poetic to say. I will write when I have the time, as if it were my job.  Also, I am turning off the TV and stepping away from the computer and finding better more creative ways to fill my down time. I have a whole list of books I want to read that I have only written down and never started.

So bye bye, facebook-stumbleupon-and other internet distractions. No more watching 3 hours of Desperate Housewives re-runs after Asher is in bed. No more mind-numbing, and creativity stunting activites...well okay, in all reality I'll just cut back. Everything is good in moderation right? Right. I just have to restablish my balanace. Which could be tricky because I'm not sure I've ever had creative balance in my life so far. I am excited! To start this new challenge, this new adventure of finding my inner creativity and imagination. Good things are bound to happen. I can feel it brewing like the storm I'm watching roll in over the lake from out my office window.

Change is coming; and for the first time I'm welcoming it. Dare I say...I invited it!?

Monday, June 20, 2011

Early morning wake up call

Now one thing everyone knows about me, I am not a morning person. Never have been and probably never will be; but some one forgot to tell my two year old son- Asher, this fact about his mommy. Granted my sweet, sweet boy is only two years old and his schedule and well being goes much higher on my priority list than my need for sleep, (I think all mothers can relate to that) but being woken up at 6 a.m. when I just barely closed my eyes at 1 a.m. doesn't typically make for the most pleasant of mornings.

See last night was father's day and like a good wife, daughter and granddaughter I...well, we (my husband, our son and myself) went over to my parents house and had a lovely night of grilled food, crisp salad, ice cold libations, and topped the evening with a bonfire accompanied by smores and some backyard volleyball. It was a superb way to end our weekend. Although my parents live about  45 minutes away from our house out in the county. So, our little man who typically goes to bed between 7:30-8:00 pm didn't even arrive home until 10pm! Imagine my surprise when this tuckered out little boy who didn't fall asleep until at least 10:30- I say closer to 11- comes creeping into mommy and daddy's room at 6 a.m. this morning.

Here I am, dead to world, a tornado could have ripped through my neighborhood and I still would have been sawing logs and drooling all over my satin pillowcase. I don't hear the door creep open like usual, nor do I hear him close it behind him. I about hit the ceiling because I peek open my eyes there is a little person laying next to me.  He rolls over and puts his nose almost touching mine, smile his big cheesy grin and says "Hi mama". My heart just explodes with joy and I feel like I'm floating in a sea of love. I look at the clock and see 6 a.m. but for the first time I don't care at all what time the clock says. Asher and I cuddle up and he sleeps with me for another hour or so until we need to get up and go about our day.

As much as I detest the hour of 6 a.m. or any hour before 9 truthfully, I wouldn't have traded anything in the world for that hour early this morning that I got to spend sunggled between my son and my husband. So I have decided as long as I go to bed before 11:30....6 a.m. isn't so bad after all. :)