I am a bit apprehensive to do this post right now, I have difficulty writing when I am going through a rough time. I have decided to go along with the new "creativity discovering" self and I am forcing myself to post today. Now, I need to play my cards carefully because I could easily turn this post into me just complaining and bashing people and situations I am upset with. I am consciously choosing not to go that route (even though some times I believe releasing those emotions through writing can be therapeutic, publicly is not appropriate)
My topic today though, applies perfectly for what I am experiencing personally. "Good is never good enough"--I can not count how many times I've told myself this. In all truthfulness I BELIEVE THAT. Maybe its not exactly healthy for me to believe that but given my circumstances, history and experiences I really believe that no one is ever "good enough". I have my days where I am a total cynic--I'm not proud of admitting that because generally I am an optimistic person. Everyone has their days and their moments, its seems like when I have mine they aren't just bad days, they are the worst possible days ever and my brain just gets on overload, feels as if it could completely fall apart and anything and everything that happens that day is the end of the world. Now, some people call that dramatic or would call me a drama queen when the reality of the situation is I have such low, bad, horrible days because I choose to have so few. I get all the crap, all the hurt, all the cynic out of me at once and then choose to have a great couple of weeks maybe even months and then I have my one day or couple of days where I let it all out again. The hardest part of this, I don't get to choose the day where it all come pouring out. I can sense when its getting close but it always seems to take my by surprise.
This morning for example....I did NOT expect today to be my "loose it" day. But it is. I had planned on a nice morning in my head. I was going to get up early drop Asher (my son) off to his grandmothers and return home to get ready for my day, quietly, peacefully and alone. Which in my life is an extreme rarity. I wanted to have a nice long hot shower, have time to blow dry and straighten my hair, eat a nice bowl of oatmeal and drink my cafe au lait cuddled up in the corner of my couch all while Dave Matthews plays quietly in the background. It was the morning most mothers would dream of. Well, that did not happen. In fact thing of every little thing that could ruin a morning and it probably happened to me today.
I found myself by 9:30am collapsed on the ground in tears (for the 3rd time mind you), screaming "I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS TODAY!" It has felt as if no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try---I am never good enough. Some one or even something is always telling me "DO BETTER, THIS IS NOT ENOUGH....YOU HAVE TO DO MORE" It was a total sucker punch to the stomach this morning. As if life said to me "You want to have a lovely, relaxing morning yeah well don't we all *PUNCH* NOT TODAY sweetheart, not today."
I picked myself up off the floor, continued to cry as I showered for work and screamed the words to Limp Bizkit's "Break Stuff" (now if you have never heard this song PLEASE PLEASE look it up, first you will get a great laugh at the thought of me screaming this on my way to work and secondly you will do the same next time your upset. haha) I am now sitting at my desk at work thinking over my morning and praying that the rest of my day doesn't follow suit.
I wish I could say I am in a place where I have understood that I truly am "good enough" and everything will be okay, but no need to lie. I don't feel that way today. Time may change my opinion but like I said judging on my circumstances, my history and my experiences...
It will never be good enough.