Wednesday, December 14, 2011

The Negativity Monster

Negativity.  It surrounds us on a daily basis in a variety of ways. Bombarding us in the most likely and unlikely of ways. Wake up in the morning and BOOM, simply waking up causes the negativity to start flowing in our minds, or maybe we are having a great day and that one little inconveniently placed person we run into just rubs us the wrong way.

It seems unfair to me that our minds can run away with untrue thoughts and self doubts that are completely exaggerated or pushed upon us by someones bad attitude. The older I get the more I understand and accept that I can only control myself, my own attitude, thoughts and reactions, but I also need to remember that those choices regarding my own personal stuff directly effects anyone I am in contact with. When I was a teenager if I was in a bad mood, or tired or simply irritated the whole world would know it and that's the way I wanted it to be. Everyone knows what I am talking about, you have met people like this. The type of person who no matter what some one does, says or doesn't say or do this negative person is going to be one big sour puss and they are going to make sure everyone with in a 20 mile radius is aware of their negativity, grouchiness, disapproval, or impatience...what ever the case may be. 

Without throwing anyone I love under the bus lets just say, I've been around theses types of people for basically my entire life and have learned how to conduct myself in the face of the negativity monster. The hardest part is not believing our own lies that we create in our minds or that we let people speak into our minds. 

When I am feeling really down on myself or super negative I try to have this mental talk with myself. Most the time I write it down on paper or type it out because its like free therapy in my opinion. I will sit down and just think for awhile and I let my self brag and boast and talk myself up like I never ever would to anyone face. I will find all the areas in my life that I am beyond proud of, that I know I succeed in. I will look in the mirror at the favorite part of my body and just go on and on about how fabulous I am. Now, I realize no one is perfect...everyone has flaw. But you can't sit here and tell me there is ONE thing you like about yourself or are proud of in your life. Focus on that, build on that and completely immerse yourself in the positivity of the amazing uniqueness of yourself. 

Call me corny, or totally cheesy but it works. I'll give you an example....only because I am trusting that no one will judging me on writing about myself. haha When I'm having a day where I feel like everything is wrong, and I have no patience and Im tired and don't want to do anything. I will sit at my computer with some nice soft relaxing music and remind myself I am twenty three years old. Only twenty three! What twenty three year old has a husband and a 2 year old and maintains a steady job, exercises regularly, cooks, cleans (everything), does laundry, pays the bills, keeps her husband happy, her son happy, her family happy, her friends happy and I just keep going on and on focusing on the things I am proud of and why I do them.

This is where you have to be careful its so easy for me to say "Well I'm sure there are other 23 year old women who do more, who has 2 or 3 kids and works FULL TIME and blah blah...." NO! NO! NO! STOP! We aren't talking about other women, or other people or anything. We are talking about you...your personal accomplishments and awesomeness. Do not allow yourself to go on a comparing rampage. You will feel 10 times worse. Allow yourself to soak in positivity, its all about the mindset. Its all about your attitude.

If you choose to be positive it makes a world of a difference in your entire life. You relationships with people, and the way you go about accomplishing your goals and aspirations. 

Please know that all of this is all very new for myself as well so I can't talk as if I am an expert but I will tell you what the past 4 years of my life are living proof that if you choose your own attitude and positivity and how are you are going to work at things daily, that your life can completely change. You don't have to be a slave to negativity. God gives you the tools to change your life and your attitude, use them.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Sunshine and Christmas Decorations!

Its December already! I can't believe it and what I can't believe even more than that is...there is NO SNOW in northern Michigan yet. How insane is that. Notice the new layout...that's snowy enough for me :) Jacob and I were talking yesterday about how incredibly awesome it would be if we only had 2-3 months of snow this year (completely unlikely) but hey we can dream right?

Well I already decorated the house for Christmas, which for me is huge! Its only December 5th!!! Normally I throw something together on Christmas Eve and then get irritated that I didn't do anything sooner. We just need our tree and we will be all set! Such a sense of accomplishment and pride. I love knowing that simple little things make my heart sing with contentment. The fact that the laundry is done, the dishes are scarce (oh don't judge yours aren't always finished either) and the house is picked up and decorated makes me just smile at my hard work.

I am not one of those people who magically have a perfect house all day, everyday. Its something I work at very very hard on a constant basis. You know those crazy people who can't go 30 minutes with their house in upheaval, or the type who follow their kids around cleaning up as they play....yeah well I'm not that type of mom, or person. I love love love a clean organized house, and chances are I will be very irritable and a bit frazzled if it's not picked up but for some reason that still doesn't magically keep my house looking nice 24/7.

I figure sometimes a messy house is a happy house. I love the quote "Don't mind the mess, we are busy making memories" That perfectly describes me and my family :)

God has been teaching me this small things is quiet ways lately. So quiet in fact, that until I sat down to write and I took the time to think, I barely recognized it. He is slowly, and quietly teaching me that in order to be a better wife, a better mother and a better person I need to take the time for myself. That doesn't mean I need to go on a spa day once a month or go on a shopping spree all for myself. He is showing me that it means taking care of myself in the smallest ways. I need to get enough rest, and make time to exercise and most importantly make Him and His word part of my DAILY not weekly routine.

All of that seems so simple but its so easy for me to get distracted by things that appear to be more important or fun at the time. Spending 2 hours on facebook, pinterest, netflix and other things on my computer can definitely be cut back to hmm...30mins or so and free up a lot of important time for other things that are better for me.

Sleep has been a big issue for me, I always know I need more but always fool myself into thinking I'll be fine without it. The truth of the matter is if I don't take the time to sleep it makes me more impatient which in turn makes me into no fun to be I'm being unfair to Asher, Jacob and anyone else who crosses my path when I'm over tired.

If I dont' take the time to immerse myself in God's word daily then I am setting myself up to be attacked by satan himself. He will take full advantage of the fact I am vulnerable.

So there is my little snippet of what I've been learning lately. and now my friends, its time to eat my newly discovered favorite food (Japanese rice) and spend some time with the big guy upstairs while Asher boy is napping.

Hey go crack your Bible open, I promise you won't regret it :) Oh and Listen to the song "Give me faith" by Elevation Worship--its the video above :D

Love and peace.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

I'll always be different, and I perfectly okay with that!

"Don't be be a quitter Amber"

That phrase has been repeated to me dozens of times through out my 23 years of life. Reading that small yet powerful sentence really unlocks some deep seated emotions inside myself. "Don't be a quitter"....I understand why it was said to me every time it slipped pasted some ones lips; but I don't think those individuals understood how those words sit inside of me. I know I see the world differently than most. In times when people, family, friends who all love and and are simply trying to motivate me by saying don't quit...its not the fact that I'm quitting something. I see things differently.

I am a straight shooter, always have been and it continues to get worse as I get older. Some would consider this being "bitchy" others would consider it standing up for myself. I will honestly admit, I have my moments where I don't come across they way I would to (hence the bitchy allegations) but most of the time its just me. I am either expressing how I feel, my opinions, beliefs and point of view. Yes, its true I tend to do this in an emotional way some times but hey I am a passionate person and I don't think that's a bad thing.

There are several things I've tried or started in my life and by all definition of the situation it would appear as if I quit them. I played baseball for 7 years then quit, I played tons of instruments ranging from piano, to drums and even the flute. I played basketball, soccer and tennis...all of which people would say I quit. I've taken a total of 4/5 semesters of college....and completed 1. The list goes on and on of things I have started and not finished aka "quit". I have countless memories of my dad telling me "Don't be a quitter".

This is where I finally get to clear the air....explain my point of view and possible get a few people off my back about "quitting". hehehe. As I said before I am a passionate person. I love hard, I fight hard. I work hard and procrastinate like a champ. If I am not passionate about something either in a positive or negative manner I don't think its worth having in my life. Lukewarm is very very uncomfortable for me. I am either red hot or freezing cold. I feel very intensely and strong about my family. I will do anything necessary to provide for them, care for them, love them, and defend them. I am red hot for my family. Things like basketball or playing the flute never held significant importance to me. I wasn't passionate about them. I never HATED them but I never LOVED them. It was a matter of I'll do it but it won't be my 100% and that's where I know I think differently from most people. Its not worth doing if you don't do it to the very best of your ability and life is way to short to put your energy into doing something 100% if you don't enjoy it. There are a bazillion other choices in the world.

I know a lot of people are not going to agree with me in this next paragraph and I know that it might even irritate some of you, but I've never been afraid to do that before :) So deal with it, or don't read it.

When it comes to college....I hate it. I hate it with a fiery passion of intense proportions. Can I do it? YES of course. I am a very intelligent person and I promise you if I put all my effort into it; I could ace every class it takes to get a bachelors or masters degree. Now here's the part that pisses people off. I DON'T WANT TO. Yeah, yeah...I hear you screaming at the screen saying "No one WANTS to do it Amber." Well then its their decision and my decision whether or not we just do it....or "quit". I'd much rather spend my time and energy on things I love and that I am passionate about and I know that anything I want to do in life. I WILL DO, with or without a college degree. At this point in my life I am a young wife and mother, not everyone agreed with my decision to do that but can I please ask you to stop and think. If you know me for the person I am in life outside of this blog answer this question. What kind of mother and wife am I? How hard do I work? I will toot my own horn until the sunrises in this instance because I know my potential and my values. I am an amazing mother, and a dedicated wife. Everything I do is in direct correlation to better my family and myself. I make sure to work extremely hard towards raising an amazing human being while becoming one myself. I choose to work so hard on my marriage every single day when its the LAST THING I want to do sometimes.

For those of you who tell me college will make me into the person I want or need to be, STOP! For those of you who judge me for how early I decided to start my family life, STOP! For those of you who think I have so much potential to be something more and great, STOP!

I am exactly where I want and need to be. I am working so hard every second of every day to be the wife, mother, daughter, friend and person I want to become. Just because its not what you want or what you value means nothing to me. Stop and really see me, for me. I am happy, I am content and yes I work part time at a coffee shop making $8.50/hr...but guess what I LOVE EVERY SINGLE SECOND of every single day of my life and I wouldn't change it for the world. Please don't worry about me because for once in my life, I have ME under control fully and completely. :)

Monday, October 10, 2011

The power of music

SURPRISE I'm back on schedule!! 

Your probably thinking this is going to be a really heart felt post about how music has touched me in a powerful way. I could totally do a post like that but frankly I'm not in a very serious mood today. :D

Its amazing how putting on some good music whether that means "oldies" from the 90's (you know you love N*sync and Spice Girls) or some Beyonce, Dave Matthews, or some up-lifting Christian praise music can change your whole day. I love all types of music. Nothing beats putting on whatever I'm in the mood for and having a karaoke dance session. Guaranteed if you ever unexpectedly show up at my house on my day off  you will find me un-showered, in my pj's and music on and me dancing and singing while going about my day. hehe Which could be anything from cleaning the kitchen to playing with Asher.

Speaking of which, allow me to pause for the next 4 mins as one of my current favs in on my Pandora....I know you would never know but I'm actually singing and dancing while writing this post.

I love that God  gave us such great things such as music to improve our moods and our day. To comfort us the way nothing else can.

Thank you God for the simple things in life. Show you how much you truly do love us.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Not feeling like myself lately...

I am having a hard time writing. This English 111 class and all my other duties are running me ragged lately. Please bare with me. I'm hoping to gain some inspiration and insight soon. I feel so tapped out, tired and dry. I suppose this is the time where I should push the hardest but right now at this moment.... I feel like I can't say much more, other than its 12 am, I worked all day, did  homework until 5 mins ago and have to be up at 6am. I don't mean to complain....

just have patience with me. Please stay interested. I promise I'll be back to myself again soon.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Writing a book?

So for the longest time I've wanted to write a book....I've started dozen of times. I seem to reach a certain point and stop. Why? Im not quite sure but I'd figure Id share the only draft I saved. I'd love some feedback. It is something you are interested in reading? Should I continue with this idea? Any feedback is helpful, thanks!

I started a memoir called "Giggles and Cries: The ups and downs of a young married mother"


      I’ve always been the girl of a thousand ideas, but never the girl to bring those ideas to fruition. God has blessed me with a very active imagination but when it comes to following through; let’s just say it has never been my strong point. I can remember, as I’m sure my parents can as well, as young girl I always had big plans for my future. It started out as an astronaut, the first female astronaut to land on the moon to be precise. That dream started in my elementary years sometime around the age of eight and continued until the age of twelve. It was then that I realized astronauts didn’t just jump into a space shuttle and off they fly into universe, they were smart; exceptionally smart. I never considered myself as an exceptional student and when my father informed me that astronauts had to be really good at math, in my mind it sealed my fate here on earth. Math has never been and will never be my forte.

After the death of my first childhood dream many, many others came and went.  Dreams of being a pianist, a teacher, a pastor, a singer in an all-girl band, a hair stylist, a poet, a painter,  a photographer but one thing I always knew I would be one day without a shadow of a doubt was a wife and mother. I had an overwhelming nurturing, motherly instinct since, well, birth I believe. A truly God given desire to be the best possible wife and mother I could be. An unbearable love and a compassion for my unborn children and future husband before I even knew how babies were made. I have always loved being in love, or the thought of being in love. I was always dreaming of my knight in shining armor and the cutest little babies that we would have after our glorious fairy tale wedding. That is why I started writing when I was around the age of thirteen I found myself enthralled with the idea of love, any kind of love. Love from God, my parents, my sister, and dare I even say love from a boy. I began writing little poems about different boys I liked and the feelings that accompany a young girl blossoming into her teenage years.

I found myself inspired by photos, and scenery but mostly music. Music to this day still has a way of reaching a spot in my soul that nothing else can. In fact, I am currently listening to quiet piano music as I write this chapter. I will never forget the first song that inspired me to write, it was by a band name LaRue, a brother and sister duo who sang Christian music. I was like a love sick puppy enamored with the older brother named Phillip and the sister Natalie sang so beautifully I wanted to be just like her. The song was from their album “Transparent” titled “Fallen for you” the very first line of the song reads “As though the world was wearing black and you were wearing white”, that line right there jump started a whole new world and a whole new dream for me.  It was that line that I wrote my very first poem from and after that I knew, writing was something I would continually build on. A gift God had given me that one day I would use for His glory, and His praise. That is why this book is such a big deal for me. For so long I have wanted to be something great, had this desire to do something great - little did I know it was right in front of my face. The one thing I thought was nothing special will turn into something spectacular. 

Like I stated earlier following through has never been my strong point. I played multiple instruments, so many that I am not even sure I could name them all and yet I have nothing to show for it. I always quit when it gets too difficult; when something challenges me past my comfort zone or my currently ability level I have the tendency to run from it. This is strange because I’ve always been a strong-willed woman, known for my independence, my strength but my lack of determination has affected me for far too long. Determination has now become the driving force behind my writing. I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I want to be able to say I finished something, and that it meant something. So here is my follow through and only by God’s grace and His strength will I finish this book.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Zipped shut, locked and the key thrown away

wooo baby, I'll be honest in saying this post will not be an easy one for me as I am sitting here shaking. I want to simply go off on the things that upset me and why....but I have to constantly remind myself that sweet little quote from Bambi..."If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" or the ever popular mentality of "kill them with kindness".

This goes against my nature, my personality and my attitude in so many ways. I am not a quiet-sit-in-the-corner person. I am also not a fighter, I strongly abhor confrontation especially over fivorlous things and I would much rather be happy and smiley, but there I'd be lying if I didn't say things often upset me to the point of tears, shaking and absolutely rage. Anything I feel strongly about or feel as if I am loosing respect over sends me over the top in about .01 seconds flat. This has forced me to learn very quickly I can't always act on those feelings and anger. It is easily one of the hardest things in my life that I am determined to work on. I choose to respect others even when I myself am not respected. I choose to conduct myself in a lady-like and Christ-like manner and spouting off when I'm upset, or giving them a piece of my mind does not fall into those categories.

Make no mistake, I am not a push over but I will do my very best to reprimand you respectfully and tastefully. I figure this has a bigger impact that being  rude, condescending and every other horrible attribute you can imagine. Hear me when I say....I could easily tell you exactly how I feel, I could easily make you as upset as you made me, I could be rude, disrespectful and so much more but I have more respect for myself and I am more mature than that.

So please, treat me the way I treat you. No secret undertones, no under the breath cursing....respect and kindness. The way Jesus tells us to treat each other.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

I can do it myself, Im a big kid!

Uh oh, I feel as if I am a little child about to apologize to her parents....I know I told you I was posting Mondays and Wednesdays but I'll be honest this week I felt a little overwhelmed and I spent the majority of my week, working at the coffee shop in the morning, being mommy and cleaning in the afternoons then bust my little bum on homework once the lil monster eventually fell asleep. So I figured, homework took priority over my blog posts. I'm thinking most people will respect that decision. Sorry for the late post, hopefully I'll still post Monday as planned.

I love that way the smallest events influence and inspire my writings and not just that but my thought patterns as well. Five minutes ago Asher did something (for the millionth time) that made me stop and go, WOW God, I love the way you use him to show me things about you and about my relationship with you. Its so great the way I get a real life illustration of how God relates, loves and thinks of us. 

 I have always been an independent woman. Just ask my parents-- this developed at an extremely young age, from two years old and on I always believed I could do it myself or at least I would try my very hardest a couple hundred million times before admitting I may need a little bit of  help and guidance. This has always been my default thought process. "Oh I can do this, I don't need any help. I can figure this out no problem." I would want to everything even though I was obviously to little or young to do these things on my own. I was determined I could do them on my own or figure out a way to help myself. I could always pour my own drinks, I would want to dress myself, I didn't need mommy and daddy to do it. I can do it myself, I'm a big kid!

When I found out I was pregnant I remember my mother and I specifically laughing and joking about the fact that my child will most likely be JUST like me and then I could see it through the eyes of a parent and how difficult it is to step back and just let your child make mistakes. Well, guess what....we were right, Asher is identical to mommy (and daddy for that matter, Jacob is pretty independent as well). We created a mini-human that feels almost identical to us in nature. I never realized how incredibly hard and completely frustrating it must have been for my parents raising a strong independent mini woman. I sit here and watch Asher and think to myself "Oh little boy, don't just don't, it will save you so much trouble if you stop dropping you car  behind the couch". I can't resist saying something to him. I can't tell you how many times I've repeated to Asher "Hunny, let mommy help you please." and of course he refuses.

This morning as I am sitting here sipping my morning coffee and beginning what I thought would be a short, post about the funny things in marriage; Asher proceeds to take his juice cup and pull the lid off and spill it all down the front of himself. I chuckle because he is soaked and very upset that he spilled it all down his front. I tell him "You need to leave the lid on your juice hunny. You're too little to open it yourself, you'll spill it every time." I clean him up, get him some new clothes and more juice. Then not 3 minutes later what happens? He is screaming again I look back already knowing what I'm going to find. Juice, all down his front and this time on his face. I proceed to clean him up again and this time get a new screw-on-top cup and then hand it to him and say "Here is a new cup, guess you can't handle the other one yet." and it hits me. 

Imagine how God feels about us trying to do things by ourselves. I guarantee he knows we are going to spill it everywhere. He must stand there thinking, "I handed you this cup to see if you can handle the responsibility of it. If you use it correctly the way I gave it to you, you'll be fine. But if you take matters into your own hands and want the lid off because you think you can handle more well then its all going to fall apart and spill in your face." It makes me laugh to think God just sees just as little children learning things on our own when He is there to offer so much help, guidance and knowledge. We don't rely on him or ask him because we think we are big kids...all grown up. We don't need anyone's help! No wonder things don't go according to our plan. I'm sure there have been times in my life where God hands me a new "cup" because I couldn't handle the other one yet. It was too much for me to handle and I didn't listen to Him and His guidance so for my own good he had to take it away.

So here is my new prayer Lord. Teach me to use my cup that you give me. Help me to realize you have my best interest in mind--ALWAYS. I know I can't always do this alone, please Lord help me to know when I need you. That in everything I do, no matter how big or how small you are dying to be apart of it. You stand there watching, waiting, thinking "I'm just waiting for you to ask me to help you my love, I will make things easier. I will help in ways you don't even know will help." Thank you for being my daddy. Thank you for always being beside me just waiting for me to ask for help and honestly Lord thank you for not forcing me. You know my heart, you know the way I am for you created me. You know how important it is to me that your always there even when I think I don't need help. Even when I think I've got everything figured out. You're amazing Lord. Thank you for teaching me something new everyday. Amen.

Monday, September 5, 2011

The things mom and dad don't tell you about

This commences my new blogging schedule, and I am really excited about it. I have decided to start blogging every Monday and Thursday. I would love to hear what others want to read please please please comment your suggestions, thoughts and anything really. Comments are what keep me going, the encouragement is nice and seeing what interests my "readers" is always important.

I got a suggestion off of my facebook from my friend Elizabeth. She suggested the topic of marriage and I figured that would be a great topic to kick of my regular posting. Also, Elizabeth has her own blog click to check it out! I have to support my fellow bloggers, plus she has a great blog.

I have decided the perfect title to this post about marriage is "The things mom and dad don't tell you about". The reason why I picked that title is because in my own life and marriage that was the number one thing I found myself questioning and asking myself. How in the world did my parents NOT telling me about this? Don't get me wrong I'm not completely naive, I didn't go into my marriage or into my life thinking it would be perfect, easy or fun all the time; but in all honesty I'm shocked at some of the things that went undiscussed.

Let me give you a bit of background in case you don't know these things about me. I am currently 23 years of age, my husband is exactly 2 weeks older than me and our son turned 2 in June. Now back in 2007 Jacob (my husband) and I started dating and very, very quickly became engaged. As you can imagine not everyone, in fact a very select few people were actually excited about this news. We are all of 19 years old and of course everyone assumed we were jumping into things far to quickly. Jacob and I were sure of ourselves and knew wholeheartedly that we were not going into this engagement and ultimately marriage completely blind and ignorant. I can say that its fair to say that damn near every single person we knew questioned us at least once, whether it was to our face or behind our backs. We stayed strong and preserved knowing we had to make everyone else eat their words and realize we aren't just stupid teenagers making rash decisions.

So fast forward about a year later, well 10 months and I am in the midst of planning our wedding for the summer of 2009, when we get the shocking news that instead of having a wedding in June, we would be having a baby! We did not plan this mind you, and not that I need to defend myself, but I was on birth control. Jacob and I were overwhelmed with excitement yet frozen with fear. We always knew we wanted children and we knew we wanted them young but we didn't expect it THIS quickly. So here we go with round two of making everyone around us question everything we are doing. Of course the news of having a baby at 21 years old didn't excite most people at first, but once everyone realized how excited we were and  saw we are completely devoted to being the best parents we could be, things settled down and new life brought excitement. Jacob and I quickly decided we wanted to be married before the baby came and had a nice, quiet and intimate wedding in February of 2009 and our son was born shortly after in June 2009.

Okay, so now that you have a bit of background on mine and Jacob's past and decided to keep reading this long winded post...I'll get to the good stuff.

When Jacob and I got married, I knew marriage was not easy. I knew that I would have to work at it, but there was a lot that honestly I didn't know about. I was rather upset that my mom or no one for that matter failed to mention such things, or maybe I failed to notice/listen. Here is my list and this is just off the top of my head, I'm sure if I kept a true list I could add to it daily. Haha.

 Things I never knew about marriage:

  • Marriage is a mirror
  • As women/mothers we have are own special cross to bear
  • You will argue about the most meaningless things as if they are life and death.
  • Marriage is not fair, don't ever think it is.
  • You will never understand the true meaning of sacrifice and compromise until your married or/and have children.
  • You get sick of being married some times...ITS NORMAL.
  • You always, ALWAYS have to work at marriage.
  • Love is a VERB, not a feeling.
That list could go on and on for days...and I originally wanted to write about each one of those topics but when I started to do that I realized I could easily write a blog post about each one of those things. So If you would like to me to expand on one or more of those topics just leave me a comment and I will make it a future post.

As you can see marriage is a forever learning process. I strongly believe our divorce rate is so high for multiple reasons but one of the main reasons is because people are to quickly to just quit at any sign of hardship thinking "marriage isn't suppose to be hard"....well I'm sorry friends but that is the biggest joke I've ever heard. If marriage wasn't suppose to be hard, than frankly, NO ONE would be married. Not a single person. Marriage is not perfect, its not always easy, or even fun. Its exhausting, strenuous, but it can push you and make you and mold you into not only an amazing person, but an amazing couple and family. God uses not only the big things but the smallest things to shape you into the person He created you to be. Through hardship and pain comes unbelievable reward, happiness and a love you will never find anywhere else. The way a husband loves his wife, and wife loves her husband is irreplaceable. 

I may complain about Jacob, I may get so furious with him that I can't even be in the same room as him, but until I am completely perfect, blemish free which will never be; I am only responsible for myself. In marriage it is so hard to focus on yourself and things you need to work on instead of just screaming and pointing the finger at the behaviors your spouse needs to correct. Let me just leave you with this verse for it is one I repeat daily in my head to remind myself of what God says about me pointing a finger.

This is from the message: I love the message because of its contemporary language. 

Matthew 7:1-5
"Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor" 

Here is the NIV
Matthew 7:1-5
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Get excited!

New post coming on Monday....its already in the works! Get excited because I am!!! :)

Monday, August 22, 2011

Pro-cras-ti-nate: to put off intentionally and habitually (verb)

Its time for a non intelligent post. haha I'm sitting here bored as a gourd at work, with a pile of papers to be working on and frankly I'm just not feeling it today. I will get it done before I have to leave (like always) but I figured I'd goof off, and be bored for awhile first. Pretty typical for me. I tend to procrastinate while procrastinating. Like right now, It's taken me forever to get this far in my post because facebook, craigslist, youtube, the telly, texting, eating, drinking a coke and going pee ALL interrupted my procrastination post. And people wonder why I never finished college....HA. Case and Point people; its called A.D.D and add in O.C.D and we got a fun ball of crazy Amber-ness to deal with.

Okay- moving on. What I do when I'm bored....well first off Jenna Marbles youtube videos. I'd admit they are rather vulgar but flippin hilarious at the same time. I want to be her best friend.

OKAY BEST PART OF THIS!!! haha I started writing this maybe a week ago now....and I NEVER FINISHED AND POSTED IT! hahahaha Master of all procrastination. That has to change now, seeing as I enrolled myself to go back to college. Yes, thats right you heard me....I'm going back to school. I am now taking an online English 111 course. Which makes me laugh and cry all in the same sentence considering this is my 3rd time enrolled in English 111. The other two times....well I was pregnant both times (lame excuse) but I claim Asher was eating my brain (: but the other two times I was just extremely distracted and not ready to continue my learning. Now 2 years later I feel renewed and ready to kick some a-s-s to be completely honest. I know exactly what needs to be done and I know I can rock it so time to put English 111 behind me.

On that note, it is now almost 10pm and I have an extremely long day ahead of me friends, family or whoever the heck you are reading this. Have a lovely night, evening, day, morning whatever time this post shall find you I wish you happiness in the following time ahead of you.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

What if I don't want to!?

I'll be honest. I'm having an argument with God lately. When I say argument I really mean I am complaining like a little baby. I know full well what He wants me to do and frankly I don't want to do it. I know I should, I know eventually He will find a way to make me but I still don't want to do it. It reminds me of Jonah in the bible where he quite literately runs away from God and His plans. I wouldn't say I'm running (yet) although I am definitely entertaining the idea. Now Jonah refuses to listen to God and what happens...he gets SWALLOWED BY A WHALE. All I am thinking now is awww crap, I better watch my back. I'm certainly not going swimming and I tell ya what if I see any walking whales coming to get me I might as well just raise the white flag of surrender because I'm done for.

Your probably asking yourself what is it that she doesn't want to do? What could God be asking her to do that would make her want to run away? Without divulging every intimate detail of my life lets just say God wants me to do something that is completely against my nature, totally opposite of my personality, my comfort levels and even (in my opinion) my capabilities. I feel as if I in all seriousness can not do what He is asking-end of story, no questions asked. I just can't do it. I wish I could tell you this post is going to end in me telling you how God changed my heart and my mind and made me realize I can do it and I will do it but right now....I don't think I can do it. I don't even want to try, it seems so unfair for me to have to do this. Its like "Okay, God why are you picking on me? Why in the world am I the one who always has to go through this type of stuff" and that my friends is where my answer is found. In the question of why do I have to go through this? Well lets really think about it....I put myself in this situation. I made the choice to say to God- "I can do this on my own, I will make my own decisions and even though you love me and know whats good for me--I got this one"

Clearly, I don't "got this one". Clearly God decided to take my stubborn, controlling nature and kinda dare I say...shove it in my face? I mean that sounds rough and mean from a God who is suppose to love us eternally but if I am going to basically poo poo God and His plans and His direction for my life; He is going to have to get my attention some how right? What better way then to make me eat my own words/actions?

So this is where I find myself, in a predicament of knowing pretty much exactly what God wants me to do and I have to choose, again. To trust in Him, trust in His goodness, fairness and love that ultimately no matter how hard this is going to be it will be the BEST THING for me to do. I have to trust that my reward may not be now but later. Its such a hard, seemingly impossible thing for me to do. I am Mrs Controlling. I am Mrs. Know-it-all. I am Mrs Got-it-all-together. To let go of those things, those issues, those some times hindering qualities is like asking sweet innocent princess who has never been dirty in her life to go to battle and become a war hero. It seems so unfair, so impossible that I simply don't want to do it. :(

God-- I laid it all out, you know how I feel about this. I'm scared out of my mind to trust you, I'm scared out of my mind to fail, but at this point I'm more scared of what could happen, what I could loose if I don't listen to you. I'm not sure if I am allowed to say this but God I pray you don't let me down, don't fail me, don't let me hurt this bad. I promise I will try Lord but I would lying if I said I don't need your help. I need more help than can be imagined. I need you in a way that I have never needed you before in order for me to do this God. Help. I'll die if I go at it alone. Amen.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Smile! There's poop in your pants

I'm sure I caught your attention from the title of this post. It certainly makes me laugh every time I read it; but there is a story behind it. Which you probably guessed by now, hence why your reading.

So allow me to set the stage. Please picture this in your mind for if you do it will make this story so much more enjoyable.

Its 8am your just waking up, yawning, stretching, trying to convince yourself to get out of bed. You finally roll yourself out of bed, start a pot of coffee and get your 2 year old up. He is in a pretty good mood, a little demanding but that's normal because he is always hungry in the morning. So you get him some cereal and some juice set him up with his favorite TV show and then proceed to hop in the shower. When your shower is finished you smell the over whelming smell of poop....then it hits you, you forgot to change little mans diaper when he first awoke from the night. Panic sets in you run to make sure you don't find the unthinkable, you practically slip and fall as your run out the bathroom only to find him sitting on the floor smiling and still watching TV. Relief! So you proceed to get dressed, so your not changing the kids diaper in the buff. After dressing you grab a diaper and head to wrangle the crazy creature with an unforeseen amount of energy. He is running around doing all he can for you not to catch him, laughing and smiling thinking he is playing a game of chase. Then you finally pin him down and you go to take off his pj's to change the unbelievable nasty smelling diaper of death and you start to gag. Now unless you have children or have changed an ungodly amount of diapers you know after 2 years of this its VERY VERY RARE to gag from the smell. I was worried, and extremely disgusted. Okay, the stage is set....your imagining all of this is your comes the good part.

I pull down his pants from his waist when all of sudden poop is everywhere. AND I MEAN EVERYWHERE. All over him, all over me, all over the floor, all inside his pants....its as if someone had cut a hole into the poor kids diaper and he was running around with POOP FILLED PANTS! Now, its nearing 8:45 the time we need to leave and I could very easily get upset at the fact that this mess is going to take at least 20 minutes to clean up, while I let the kid soak and then I realize I can't take another shower I simply don't have time.  Then Asher just busts out laughing, a big huge belly laugh like its the funniest thing that's ever  happened. So in response I do the same thing...I start dying of laughter! Here we are mom and son sitting/laying in a pile of the nastiest smell poop ever and we are laughing hysterically.

That's when it hits me, he has been smiling and laughing this whole time! Even with poop filled pants! I couldn't help but continue to laugh at the thought of how uncomfortable and annoying it must be to be running around with poop filled pants yet my adorable (and smelly) 2 year old finds it completely amusing.

I feel like its something I should apply to my life. Even though I may not be in the more comfortable or even nice circumstances, I should still smile, laugh and be happy. I know it won't stay that way forever. I should be happy know that it will eventually be "cleaned up".  Asher knew that mommy would have to come and clean up the poop sooner or later....he wasn't going to be stuck wearing poop filled pants for too long. Shouldn't we feel the same way about our lives? God won't allow us to soak in our crap forever. In fact it will most likely be a very short amount of time, but it may feel long to us because obviously "poop filled pants" are not ideal. Most people are going through poopy times in their lives, no one has a perfect life even though we like to put on a nice fake front and make people think we are perfect.

I'm choosing to stay positive, happy and smile: even though there is a whole bunch of poop in my pants! Enjoy it, for it won't last forever and take heart in know our Daddy will make everything nice clean again!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Something a little different

I do all sorts of writing. I write short stories, poetry, free writings, blogs, rhymes and believe it or not I even started a memoir.  All you have had the pleasure of reading (if you've been following my posts) is basically my thoughts from that day, something that made an impression on me or got me thinking. It's not exactly poetic, and its more like a conversation. Something I'd want to share with others. The reason why I write this way majority of the time is because its easiest. I hope you have learned from my posts that when I say its the easiest does not mean its easy for me. All writing is a challenge, a test, a learning experience, and tonight will be no different. Oh and by the way, I didn't bother to take the time to mess with my HTML and make the font match. I'm tuckered out tonight :)

I wanted to express a different side of myself......

I Hope You Know These Things                      Written by Amber Holcomb (DUH)

You might not see her,
You might not care,
You might not like her,
Just know she's always there.

Despite your imperfections,
Despite your flaws,
Despite your lack of patience,
Just listen to the applause.

Despite the lack of confidence,
Despite your attitude,
Despite your hurtfulness,
Just know the gratitude. 

Even though your convinced she'll leave,
Even though your afraid to let her in,
Even though she hurt you deeply,
Remember to forgive her sin.

So when you feel like yelling,
So when you feel like blaming,
Please stop and think for a minute,
Of all the hurt you'll be creating.

I'll never stop loving you,
I'll never stop caring,
I'll never stop thinking,
About the symbol of  this ring I'm wearing.

Its means forever,
Its means your mine,
It means no matter what,
our hearts will be entwined.

Might I just add that I have not been able to write something like this in a VERY VERY long time. Its not hard to guess that this was written to for my husband. I will openly admit (as I'm sure he would as well) that marriage is one of thee hardest things either of us has chosen to do in our lives-- yet it is completely worth it. Every step, every argument, every petty detail, every laugh, every whisper, every moment, even every time our feelings get hurt its still worth it. 

I personally have a very difficult time putting into words such strong emotions, and moments and such intimate affairs; because they mean so much to me and I'm so passionate that I get afraid of messing up the moment by writing about it. May sound silly, but its the truth. So after my writing from tonight, I'm feel accomplished, proud and so loved by an amazing man (despite all his frustrating flaws mixed in with mine). I am blessed. So very blessed, Thank Lord for....... MY LIFE.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Its never good enough

I am a bit apprehensive to do this post right now, I have difficulty writing when I am going through a rough time. I have decided to go along with the new "creativity discovering" self and I am forcing myself to post today. Now, I need to play my cards carefully because I could easily turn this post into me just complaining and bashing people and situations I am upset with. I am consciously choosing not to go that route (even though some times I believe releasing those emotions through writing can be therapeutic, publicly is not appropriate)

My topic today though, applies perfectly for what I am experiencing personally. "Good is never good enough"--I can not count how many times I've told myself this. In all truthfulness I BELIEVE THAT. Maybe its not exactly healthy for me to believe that but given my circumstances, history and experiences I really believe that no one is ever "good enough". I have my days where I am a total cynic--I'm not proud of admitting that because generally I am an optimistic person. Everyone has their days and their moments, its seems like when I have mine they aren't just bad days, they are the worst possible days ever and my brain just gets on overload, feels as if it could completely fall apart and anything and everything that happens that day is the end of the world. Now, some people call that dramatic or would call me a drama queen when the reality of the situation is I have such low, bad, horrible days because I choose to have so few. I get all the crap, all the hurt, all the cynic out of me at once and then choose to have a great couple of weeks maybe even months and then I have my one day or couple of days where I let it all out again. The hardest part of this, I don't get to choose the day where it all come pouring out. I can sense when its getting close but it always seems to take my by surprise.

This morning for example....I did NOT expect today to be my "loose it" day. But it is. I had planned on a nice morning in my head. I was going to get up early drop Asher (my son) off to his grandmothers and return home to get ready for my day, quietly, peacefully and alone. Which in my life is an extreme rarity. I wanted to have a nice long hot shower, have time to blow dry and straighten my hair, eat a nice bowl of oatmeal and drink my cafe au lait cuddled up in the corner of my couch all while Dave Matthews plays quietly in the background. It was the morning most mothers would dream of. Well, that did not happen. In fact thing of every little thing that could ruin a morning and it probably happened to me today.

I found myself by 9:30am collapsed on the ground in tears (for the 3rd time mind you), screaming "I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS TODAY!" It has felt as if no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try---I am never good enough. Some one or even something is always telling me "DO BETTER, THIS IS NOT ENOUGH....YOU HAVE TO DO MORE" It was a total sucker punch to the stomach this morning. As if life said to me "You want to have a lovely, relaxing morning yeah well don't we all *PUNCH* NOT TODAY sweetheart, not today."

I picked myself up off the floor, continued to cry as I showered for work and screamed the words to Limp Bizkit's "Break Stuff" (now if you  have never heard this song PLEASE PLEASE look it up, first you will get a great laugh at the thought of me screaming this on my way to work and secondly you will do the same next time your upset. haha) I am now sitting at my desk at work thinking over my morning and praying that the rest of my day doesn't follow suit.

I wish I could say I am in a place where I have understood that I truly am "good enough" and everything will be okay, but no need to lie. I don't feel that way today. Time may change my opinion but like I said judging on my circumstances, my history and my experiences...

It will never be good enough.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Easy never comes easily

After writing the title to this post I realized how undeniably perfect that title is for NUMEROUS things in my life. In fact, I just might change my blog title to "easy never comes easily." Its just such a beautifully, intoxicating way of describing me, my life and everything. As much as I enjoy simplicity I must admit my life is anything but simplistic. That could actually be why I enjoy simplicity so much and why the simple small little details in life are what make me the happiest.

Some of my fondest memories of childhood don't include things such as television, Internet, new toys, the best clothes or anything of that sort. My favorite times are when I am as far away from those things as possible, in a place where possessions and your appearance just plain don't matter. I am a free spirited, dance in the rain, travel the world, hippie child at heart. Its not very realistic for me to be that way but in my heart of hearts I'm running wild and free with braids in my hair, a peace sign and smelling of fresh jasmine. Just the idea of that puts a huge smile on my face.

Now that I am an adult with a husband, a son, and lots of bills to pay-- I find my heart dreaming of simplicity. Don't get me wrong, I don't dream of being alone or a different life. What I would give for a day free of stress, free of worry, free of obligations. A day where my husband, son and I could just BE. No schedules, no having to check our bank account, no phone calls, no emails, no time constraints....JUST LIVING. Waking up when we feel like it, eating breakfast at noon, and laying on the beach or hiking around the sand dunes, taking a swim and not worrying about the sand getting in uncomfortable places, not worrying about our hair and my make-up, or what clothes we are wearing that day. Not worrying about the work that lies ahead or about how we are going to make ends meat. Boy, oh boy that's how I imagine heaven. Perfection in the presence of God, with everything our hearts desire and SO MUCH more. I can't wait for that glorious day.

So my post today was a bit more random than I would have liked, but I think my soul needed that moment. The moment the sit and enjoy and ponder the fact that one day life will be everything we want. It most certainly will not be here on earth (THANK GOD) but it gives me hope in knowing its coming. And its coming sooner than any of us can know. Could be tomorrow- Could be next week- Could be 3 minutes from now. Are you ready? I sure am.

Because even though my life on this earth is anything but easy...I have the life of my imagination in heaven just waiting for me.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Finding Inspiration

Shauna Niequist is one of my favorite writers, she has written two books, Cold Tangerines and Bittersweet. I follow her through her facebook and on her website but more specifically her blog. Her latest entries have been on her advice to aspiring writers and I found this so applicable to me and my life as a whole not just my writing. Here is a link to Shauna's website/blog if you want to take a look at the posts I am referring too.

In case you didn't go to her blog, I'll give you my short "what Amber noticed" version. One thing that really caught my attention was the way she talked about inspiration. Now, I have always been the type who loves to write but quite honestly- I whine and complain because I don't feel "inspired". I didn't know what to write about and then I would eventually come to the conclusion that I wasn't meant to write and it would be easier for me if it was something I was meant to pursue. YA RIGHT. I love the fact that when I read what Shauna wrote I felt as if I wasn't alone in this battle of "writing inspiration". She says "I believe less and less in the myth of inspiration—the cartoon light bulb over your head, falling into a writing trance, losing track of time, pulling over your car on the side of the road because the magical idea came like a bolt of lightning right then.I write when it’s time to write, when my son’s at school. I can’t stay up all night and write. I can’t wait around for a cartoon light bulb. I choose to believe that inspiration is my responsibility—I create it in the life I lead. And this means something different for every creative person."

I have decided to take this a personal challenge. I am challenge myself to live a more creative life, to truly devulge myself into my own creativity - ALL THE TIME. This means, like Shauna stated, I will set aside time to write. Not start writing when I feel as if I have something special and magical and poetic to say. I will write when I have the time, as if it were my job.  Also, I am turning off the TV and stepping away from the computer and finding better more creative ways to fill my down time. I have a whole list of books I want to read that I have only written down and never started.

So bye bye, facebook-stumbleupon-and other internet distractions. No more watching 3 hours of Desperate Housewives re-runs after Asher is in bed. No more mind-numbing, and creativity stunting activites...well okay, in all reality I'll just cut back. Everything is good in moderation right? Right. I just have to restablish my balanace. Which could be tricky because I'm not sure I've ever had creative balance in my life so far. I am excited! To start this new challenge, this new adventure of finding my inner creativity and imagination. Good things are bound to happen. I can feel it brewing like the storm I'm watching roll in over the lake from out my office window.

Change is coming; and for the first time I'm welcoming it. Dare I say...I invited it!?

Monday, June 20, 2011

Early morning wake up call

Now one thing everyone knows about me, I am not a morning person. Never have been and probably never will be; but some one forgot to tell my two year old son- Asher, this fact about his mommy. Granted my sweet, sweet boy is only two years old and his schedule and well being goes much higher on my priority list than my need for sleep, (I think all mothers can relate to that) but being woken up at 6 a.m. when I just barely closed my eyes at 1 a.m. doesn't typically make for the most pleasant of mornings.

See last night was father's day and like a good wife, daughter and granddaughter I...well, we (my husband, our son and myself) went over to my parents house and had a lovely night of grilled food, crisp salad, ice cold libations, and topped the evening with a bonfire accompanied by smores and some backyard volleyball. It was a superb way to end our weekend. Although my parents live about  45 minutes away from our house out in the county. So, our little man who typically goes to bed between 7:30-8:00 pm didn't even arrive home until 10pm! Imagine my surprise when this tuckered out little boy who didn't fall asleep until at least 10:30- I say closer to 11- comes creeping into mommy and daddy's room at 6 a.m. this morning.

Here I am, dead to world, a tornado could have ripped through my neighborhood and I still would have been sawing logs and drooling all over my satin pillowcase. I don't hear the door creep open like usual, nor do I hear him close it behind him. I about hit the ceiling because I peek open my eyes there is a little person laying next to me.  He rolls over and puts his nose almost touching mine, smile his big cheesy grin and says "Hi mama". My heart just explodes with joy and I feel like I'm floating in a sea of love. I look at the clock and see 6 a.m. but for the first time I don't care at all what time the clock says. Asher and I cuddle up and he sleeps with me for another hour or so until we need to get up and go about our day.

As much as I detest the hour of 6 a.m. or any hour before 9 truthfully, I wouldn't have traded anything in the world for that hour early this morning that I got to spend sunggled between my son and my husband. So I have decided as long as I go to bed before 11:30....6 a.m. isn't so bad after all. :)