Tuesday, July 19, 2011

What if I don't want to!?

I'll be honest. I'm having an argument with God lately. When I say argument I really mean I am complaining like a little baby. I know full well what He wants me to do and frankly I don't want to do it. I know I should, I know eventually He will find a way to make me but I still don't want to do it. It reminds me of Jonah in the bible where he quite literately runs away from God and His plans. I wouldn't say I'm running (yet) although I am definitely entertaining the idea. Now Jonah refuses to listen to God and what happens...he gets SWALLOWED BY A WHALE. All I am thinking now is awww crap, I better watch my back. I'm certainly not going swimming and I tell ya what if I see any walking whales coming to get me I might as well just raise the white flag of surrender because I'm done for.

Your probably asking yourself what is it that she doesn't want to do? What could God be asking her to do that would make her want to run away? Without divulging every intimate detail of my life lets just say God wants me to do something that is completely against my nature, totally opposite of my personality, my comfort levels and even (in my opinion) my capabilities. I feel as if I in all seriousness can not do what He is asking-end of story, no questions asked. I just can't do it. I wish I could tell you this post is going to end in me telling you how God changed my heart and my mind and made me realize I can do it and I will do it but right now....I don't think I can do it. I don't even want to try, it seems so unfair for me to have to do this. Its like "Okay, God why are you picking on me? Why in the world am I the one who always has to go through this type of stuff" and that my friends is where my answer is found. In the question of why do I have to go through this? Well lets really think about it....I put myself in this situation. I made the choice to say to God- "I can do this on my own, I will make my own decisions and even though you love me and know whats good for me--I got this one"

Clearly, I don't "got this one". Clearly God decided to take my stubborn, controlling nature and kinda dare I say...shove it in my face? I mean that sounds rough and mean from a God who is suppose to love us eternally but if I am going to basically poo poo God and His plans and His direction for my life; He is going to have to get my attention some how right? What better way then to make me eat my own words/actions?

So this is where I find myself, in a predicament of knowing pretty much exactly what God wants me to do and I have to choose, again. To trust in Him, trust in His goodness, fairness and love that ultimately no matter how hard this is going to be it will be the BEST THING for me to do. I have to trust that my reward may not be now but later. Its such a hard, seemingly impossible thing for me to do. I am Mrs Controlling. I am Mrs. Know-it-all. I am Mrs Got-it-all-together. To let go of those things, those issues, those some times hindering qualities is like asking sweet innocent princess who has never been dirty in her life to go to battle and become a war hero. It seems so unfair, so impossible that I simply don't want to do it. :(

God-- I laid it all out, you know how I feel about this. I'm scared out of my mind to trust you, I'm scared out of my mind to fail, but at this point I'm more scared of what could happen, what I could loose if I don't listen to you. I'm not sure if I am allowed to say this but God I pray you don't let me down, don't fail me, don't let me hurt this bad. I promise I will try Lord but I would lying if I said I don't need your help. I need more help than can be imagined. I need you in a way that I have never needed you before in order for me to do this God. Help. I'll die if I go at it alone. Amen.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Smile! There's poop in your pants

I'm sure I caught your attention from the title of this post. It certainly makes me laugh every time I read it; but there is a story behind it. Which you probably guessed by now, hence why your reading.

So allow me to set the stage. Please picture this in your mind for if you do it will make this story so much more enjoyable.

Its 8am your just waking up, yawning, stretching, trying to convince yourself to get out of bed. You finally roll yourself out of bed, start a pot of coffee and get your 2 year old up. He is in a pretty good mood, a little demanding but that's normal because he is always hungry in the morning. So you get him some cereal and some juice set him up with his favorite TV show and then proceed to hop in the shower. When your shower is finished you smell the over whelming smell of poop....then it hits you, you forgot to change little mans diaper when he first awoke from the night. Panic sets in you run to make sure you don't find the unthinkable, you practically slip and fall as your run out the bathroom only to find him sitting on the floor smiling and still watching TV. Relief! So you proceed to get dressed, so your not changing the kids diaper in the buff. After dressing you grab a diaper and head to wrangle the crazy creature with an unforeseen amount of energy. He is running around doing all he can for you not to catch him, laughing and smiling thinking he is playing a game of chase. Then you finally pin him down and you go to take off his pj's to change the unbelievable nasty smelling diaper of death and you start to gag. Now unless you have children or have changed an ungodly amount of diapers you know after 2 years of this its VERY VERY RARE to gag from the smell. I was worried, and extremely disgusted. Okay, the stage is set....your imagining all of this is your head....here comes the good part.

I pull down his pants from his waist when all of sudden poop is everywhere. AND I MEAN EVERYWHERE. All over him, all over me, all over the floor, all inside his pants....its as if someone had cut a hole into the poor kids diaper and he was running around with POOP FILLED PANTS! Now, its nearing 8:45 the time we need to leave and I could very easily get upset at the fact that this mess is going to take at least 20 minutes to clean up, while I let the kid soak and then I realize I can't take another shower I simply don't have time.  Then Asher just busts out laughing, a big huge belly laugh like its the funniest thing that's ever  happened. So in response I do the same thing...I start dying of laughter! Here we are mom and son sitting/laying in a pile of the nastiest smell poop ever and we are laughing hysterically.

That's when it hits me, he has been smiling and laughing this whole time! Even with poop filled pants! I couldn't help but continue to laugh at the thought of how uncomfortable and annoying it must be to be running around with poop filled pants yet my adorable (and smelly) 2 year old finds it completely amusing.

I feel like its something I should apply to my life. Even though I may not be in the more comfortable or even nice circumstances, I should still smile, laugh and be happy. I know it won't stay that way forever. I should be happy know that it will eventually be "cleaned up".  Asher knew that mommy would have to come and clean up the poop sooner or later....he wasn't going to be stuck wearing poop filled pants for too long. Shouldn't we feel the same way about our lives? God won't allow us to soak in our crap forever. In fact it will most likely be a very short amount of time, but it may feel long to us because obviously "poop filled pants" are not ideal. Most people are going through poopy times in their lives, no one has a perfect life even though we like to put on a nice fake front and make people think we are perfect.

I'm choosing to stay positive, happy and smile: even though there is a whole bunch of poop in my pants! Enjoy it, for it won't last forever and take heart in know our Daddy will make everything nice clean again!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Something a little different

I do all sorts of writing. I write short stories, poetry, free writings, blogs, rhymes and believe it or not I even started a memoir.  All you have had the pleasure of reading (if you've been following my posts) is basically my thoughts from that day, something that made an impression on me or got me thinking. It's not exactly poetic, and its more like a conversation. Something I'd want to share with others. The reason why I write this way majority of the time is because its easiest. I hope you have learned from my posts that when I say its the easiest does not mean its easy for me. All writing is a challenge, a test, a learning experience, and tonight will be no different. Oh and by the way, I didn't bother to take the time to mess with my HTML and make the font match. I'm tuckered out tonight :)

I wanted to express a different side of myself......

I Hope You Know These Things                      Written by Amber Holcomb (DUH)

You might not see her,
You might not care,
You might not like her,
Just know she's always there.

Despite your imperfections,
Despite your flaws,
Despite your lack of patience,
Just listen to the applause.

Despite the lack of confidence,
Despite your attitude,
Despite your hurtfulness,
Just know the gratitude. 

Even though your convinced she'll leave,
Even though your afraid to let her in,
Even though she hurt you deeply,
Remember to forgive her sin.

So when you feel like yelling,
So when you feel like blaming,
Please stop and think for a minute,
Of all the hurt you'll be creating.

I'll never stop loving you,
I'll never stop caring,
I'll never stop thinking,
About the symbol of  this ring I'm wearing.

Its means forever,
Its means your mine,
It means no matter what,
our hearts will be entwined.

Might I just add that I have not been able to write something like this in a VERY VERY long time. Its not hard to guess that this was written to for my husband. I will openly admit (as I'm sure he would as well) that marriage is one of thee hardest things either of us has chosen to do in our lives-- yet it is completely worth it. Every step, every argument, every petty detail, every laugh, every whisper, every moment, even every time our feelings get hurt its still worth it. 

I personally have a very difficult time putting into words such strong emotions, and moments and such intimate affairs; because they mean so much to me and I'm so passionate that I get afraid of messing up the moment by writing about it. May sound silly, but its the truth. So after my writing from tonight, I'm feel accomplished, proud and so loved by an amazing man (despite all his frustrating flaws mixed in with mine). I am blessed. So very blessed, Thank Lord for....... MY LIFE.