I'll be honest. I'm having an argument with God lately. When I say argument I really mean I am complaining like a little baby. I know full well what He wants me to do and frankly I don't want to do it. I know I should, I know eventually He will find a way to make me but I still don't want to do it. It reminds me of Jonah in the bible where he quite literately runs away from God and His plans. I wouldn't say I'm running (yet) although I am definitely entertaining the idea. Now Jonah refuses to listen to God and what happens...he gets SWALLOWED BY A WHALE. All I am thinking now is awww crap, I better watch my back. I'm certainly not going swimming and I tell ya what if I see any walking whales coming to get me I might as well just raise the white flag of surrender because I'm done for.
Your probably asking yourself what is it that she doesn't want to do? What could God be asking her to do that would make her want to run away? Without divulging every intimate detail of my life lets just say God wants me to do something that is completely against my nature, totally opposite of my personality, my comfort levels and even (in my opinion) my capabilities. I feel as if I in all seriousness can not do what He is asking-end of story, no questions asked. I just can't do it. I wish I could tell you this post is going to end in me telling you how God changed my heart and my mind and made me realize I can do it and I will do it but right now....I don't think I can do it. I don't even want to try, it seems so unfair for me to have to do this. Its like "Okay, God why are you picking on me? Why in the world am I the one who always has to go through this type of stuff" and that my friends is where my answer is found. In the question of why do I have to go through this? Well lets really think about it....I put myself in this situation. I made the choice to say to God- "I can do this on my own, I will make my own decisions and even though you love me and know whats good for me--I got this one"
Clearly, I don't "got this one". Clearly God decided to take my stubborn, controlling nature and kinda dare I say...shove it in my face? I mean that sounds rough and mean from a God who is suppose to love us eternally but if I am going to basically poo poo God and His plans and His direction for my life; He is going to have to get my attention some how right? What better way then to make me eat my own words/actions?
So this is where I find myself, in a predicament of knowing pretty much exactly what God wants me to do and I have to choose, again. To trust in Him, trust in His goodness, fairness and love that ultimately no matter how hard this is going to be it will be the BEST THING for me to do. I have to trust that my reward may not be now but later. Its such a hard, seemingly impossible thing for me to do. I am Mrs Controlling. I am Mrs. Know-it-all. I am Mrs Got-it-all-together. To let go of those things, those issues, those some times hindering qualities is like asking sweet innocent princess who has never been dirty in her life to go to battle and become a war hero. It seems so unfair, so impossible that I simply don't want to do it. :(
God-- I laid it all out, you know how I feel about this. I'm scared out of my mind to trust you, I'm scared out of my mind to fail, but at this point I'm more scared of what could happen, what I could loose if I don't listen to you. I'm not sure if I am allowed to say this but God I pray you don't let me down, don't fail me, don't let me hurt this bad. I promise I will try Lord but I would lying if I said I don't need your help. I need more help than can be imagined. I need you in a way that I have never needed you before in order for me to do this God. Help. I'll die if I go at it alone. Amen.