I find myself wondering and contemplating inspiration and how on earth I can possibly maintain it or if I am even suppose to maintain such a state? For if I was constantly inspired it would no longer qualify as inspiration- would it? Inspiration is easily defined as "arousal of the mind to special activity or creativity". My mind then questions the definition of creativity. The dictionary says it's "the ability to create" and frankly that seems useless to me. I mean what is creativity and why do certain things, for certain people, at certain times incite inspiration and why doesn't inspiration lead to creativity? I realize I sound ridiculously redundant but my brain is flowing. Or wait... is it inspiration and creativity are flowing on to the page without my conscious consent? What a crazy concept to try and wrap my head around.
Sometimes I consider if I want to be inspired simply so that I may inspire others. To what exactly? I'm not sure, but I am fully aware that one of my core desires is to create or facilitate inspiration of or to others. The idea that some one gains something from my writing or my sharing is one of the sole purposes behind me doing so. In fact the idea of someone valuing my writing and contributions inspires and excites me to never quit. Even though I don't know the purpose or understand why, who or even what I'm writing about. It's always something I come back to and it's always something I want to share. Not for my own selfish gain or praise but because I want to have an effect, a true contribution that only I can make.
I find myself wondering if in my lifetime something will come of this passion for writing. Or if like Emily Dickinson and my true value will only be recognized once I'm gone. Either way- will I make a difference? or at least hold value? Does someone relate, resonate and desire my feelings and opinions? I can only hope!
I find myself pushing lately. Pushing into a deeper intellectually simulating side of life. A place I've been afraid to travel to because of fear of inadequacy, rejection and failure. I am no longer afraid to fail. In fact how can you fail when your pushing, learning and improving? Thats not failure- it's growth! A completely necessary part of gaining meaning, purpose, knowledge and value. 2013 is bringing big things and not because its a new year...because I have decided to show up to my own life in a brand new way. It's time to truly discover the woman God has set apart for me to become.