Take off the poop-colored glasses

Instead of seeing the wonderful, creative, colorful scribbles of my toddler; I simply get angered and annoyed that I left my current book I am attempting to read in the presence of a crayon wielding, pint size artist who thinks anything with paper qualifies as her canvas. *deep breath* Today I chose to see the beautiful. I look into myself, my own attitude and my own sense of gratitude and appreciate the small things. When I loose sight of those small things my entire world changes. Today I intentionally choose to stop, slow down and truly value the things that matter. Life is messy, chaotic and down right stressful...if we allow ourselves to get swept away.

Here on this gorgeous rain soaked yet some what sunny Sunday morning I'm realizing, like many times before, that I don't have to keep up this illusion of a crazy, chaotic, hectic, yet dull, "go-go-go" type of lifestyle. I want to blame moving to the east coast for this weird ever looming pressure of fast paced insanity but I don't think that would be fully fair even if it is slightly true. I think its poop-colored glasses. Yes, you read that right....poop-colored glasses. You know how people say you're looking at the world through rose-colored glasses? Typically its an insult meaning your being naive or only seeing one side of the situation. Enter in poop-colored glasses. See where I'm going with this? Once we pick up and put on these disgusting specs our world changes whether we notice it or not. Things that were once colorful, magnificent and diverse appear dingy, dark, and down right right nasty. We get stuck in this pattern of seeing everything as poop...and that's really shitty. pun fully intended.

I challenge all of  us to see the world through rose-colored glasses. I mean would it be such a horrible to thing to have a positive outlook as your default mode? To think that a toy filled floor means happy kids? and a kitchen of dirty dishes means we have lots of good food to eat? Even think of things like car trouble, which we all know is a huge inconvenience, as a blessing because we have a car and we have places or a job that we need to get to. A grateful heart, a positive outlook and time to slow down and breathe allows the soul the reevaluate. Take off the poop-colored glasses and see the world for what it really is- stunning, lovely, magnificent, and unbelievably wonderful. You're going to miss it, you're going to regret it. Stop. Slow. ENJOY. Today only happens once and you can never have it back.

I will get back to reading my now very colorful, artistically designed book. Who wants just plain white pages anyways?

Pushing through my jumbled mind

I cant even begin to explain how often my mind sits and contemplates the idea of inspiration or creativity and creativeness. I've actually never considered myself a creative person. It was always a trait I wanted to obtain and work towards. I have this unbelievable deep seated desire to help people, change the world and leave some sort of legacy. I want to be irreplaceable and in my mind to become irreplaceable and leave a legacy I must inspire and be creative. I'm starting to question if that is entirely true. Do I put to much pressure on my own "creative process" by put restraints on myself? By telling myself I'm not creative enough or I need to inspired in order to create? I've said this before but I'll say it again I'm beginning to learn that inspiration and creating just doesn't happen. It doesn't just strike although I do have moments where I feel like that is the case. Overall inspiration and creativity are just things I need to continue to do. Any time I take the time to write, blog, or just critically think that is creative, that is inspired. My mind is growing whether or not other people are appreciating or benefiting. The purpose of engaging my mind shouldn't be directed only so others will notice, benefit or appreciate. It should be at times a very personal thing, for me and me only.

I've always used writing as therapy, and to organize my thoughts but maybe its time to broaden my horizons. I think its time for me to have other outlets of creativity. Infact, Im going to go do that now and although this is an abrupt ending that's all I have for today. Its me time. 

My Journey of Inspiration

I find myself wondering and contemplating inspiration and how on earth I can possibly maintain it or if I am even suppose to maintain such a state? For if I was constantly inspired it would no longer qualify as inspiration- would it? Inspiration is easily defined as "arousal of the mind to special activity or creativity". My mind then questions the definition of creativity. The dictionary says it's "the ability to create" and frankly that seems useless to me. I mean what is creativity and why do certain things, for certain people, at certain times incite inspiration and why doesn't inspiration lead to creativity? I realize I sound ridiculously redundant but my brain is flowing. Or wait... is it inspiration and creativity are flowing on to the page without my conscious consent? What a crazy concept to try and wrap my head around.

Sometimes I consider if I want to be inspired simply so that I may inspire others. To what exactly? I'm not sure, but I am fully aware that one of my core desires is to create or facilitate inspiration of or to others. The idea that some one gains something from my writing or my sharing is one of the sole purposes behind me doing so. In fact the idea of someone valuing my writing and contributions inspires and excites me to never quit. Even though I don't know the purpose or understand why, who or even what I'm writing about. It's always something I come back to and it's always something I want to share. Not for my own selfish gain or praise but because I want to have an effect, a true contribution that only I can make.

I find myself wondering if in my lifetime something will come of this passion for writing. Or if like Emily Dickinson and my true value will only be recognized once I'm gone. Either way- will I make a difference? or at least hold value? Does someone relate, resonate and desire my feelings and opinions? I can only hope!

I find myself pushing lately. Pushing into a deeper intellectually simulating side of life. A place I've been afraid to travel to because of fear of inadequacy, rejection and failure. I am no longer afraid to fail. In fact how can you fail when your pushing, learning and improving? Thats not failure- it's growth! A completely necessary part of gaining meaning, purpose, knowledge and value. 2013 is bringing big things and not because its a new year...because I have decided to show up to my own life in a brand new way. It's time to truly discover the woman God has set apart for me to become.

Back and in Charm City!

Never thought I would ever say this but I have started a new journey, and where has it taken me? Charm City aka Baltimore, Maryland. Shocking? Yes I know, I myself still wake up thinking I'm on some strange vacation in which I brought my entire house and life with me instead of escaping it all. We have not been here extremely long but just long enough to where you would think reality should have set in and I would have realized I'm ACTUALLY living here now. Yet, I still find myself oddly comfortable with the idea that this is temporary. Maybe its my crazy way of coping, actually not maybe I guarantee this is my way of coping with everything. There will come a day when it all hits me like a ton a bricks, I'm sure of it, but until said day I'll just on going about my unpacking and usual mommy/wifely duties.

We found a great place to rent here. A nice quiet, family oriented townhouse development outside of the major downtown area yet conveniently close to absolutely everything. Its the biggest place I've ever lived and despite how old it is, I'm LOVING the space. 3 stories, 4 bedrooms and 3 1/2 baths sounds like a made up dream home I would have fainted over 2 years ago. Now I call this historic diamond in the rough my home! It needs some serious work, but now that I'm a stay at home mom again I can devote some time to truly turning this into the house I've always wanted. I can paint, and re-decorate...pretty much anything I want :) It will definitely keep me busy not that Asher doesn't do that already.

One thing I am very excited about is being able to be home with Asher and do lots of fun projects with him and hobbies I have been wanting to start but not feeling like I had adequate time for. Now if only I could magically get this house unpack and in order. Oh and CLEAN, it was more than filthy when we moved in. Never fun to clean other peoples dirt but hey, we got the house we wanted. So its going to be worth it.

Now that I have even more people that want to keep in touch since we are over 700 miles away; I will be doing my best to stay consistent with blogging. Should be easier now that I am not working outside of the house. Keep your fingers crossed.

All my love to Michigan.

Big Changes

Big things are happening around the Holcomb household. Things I wish I could divulge a little more information about but as for now they need to stay a mystery. Before too long I will be able to spill the beans but right now its more about prayer and decision making. Please please add us to your prayer list because life altering decisions will be made within the next week or two.

I'm starting to realize just how much I dislike, well lets rephrase that...how much I HATE making such big decisions. The process of the back and forth, the pros and cons and all the emotion that gets poured into big decisions just sucks the energy and life out me. Or so it feels. Its a crazy roller coaster of back and forth and back and forth...love this, hate that. I'm so tired of feeling like a flip-flop. I have such unrest about both sides of this. I think no matter what decision is made I'm probably not going to enjoy the out come. That's where I know my God will come along side me and give me peace but I just wish I could fast forward everything and get to that point. I know He is with me even now during this exhausting process but to honest it doesn't make it much easier. Which God never promised life would be easy, He just promised we wouldn't be tested with more than we can handle and He will never let us go at it alone. 

I guess this post today is me working through these feelings of unrest and reminding myself that even though I'm not exactly happy about all of this...I know it will work out. It always does. I even start to question if we make a bigger deal out of the "big decisions" in life than we really need to. I mean yeah it may not be something to take lightly but we believe God is in control and He ultimately will guide our path and protect us and be with us why should we stress and make such a huge deal out of it? So it doesn't work out....God's got it. Maybe it works out flawlessly...God's got that too. I know this could insanely hard but I can't help but stop and take a step back and stop listening to all of the human answers and think maybe it will be insanely easy. Or at the very least be insanely hard but completely worth it.

I can't sit here and think that one side is good and one is bad. I mean one is more comfortable and the other is a stretch that's obvious but is a stretch a bad thing? I've always been an optimist so maybe this is just my positive nature coming out but  I choose to believe that all thing....ALL THINGS work together for good. God tells us so. So why not buckle up, hang on and go for one hell of ride? God's got this right?

Well, there we have it ladies and gents....once again blogging has helped establish and reset my mumble jumble of a brain and thinking patterns. Its all going to be okay, no matter what happens. It won't be the end of the world. Just a new chapter in this huge book known as my life. I'm a free spirit and my soul is so adventurous...how can I not put this in God's hands and make the best of every situation?

Look out world, I got my Jesus and my optimist smile...Its all going to be okay. A few tears? maybe...but its going to be okay. I KNOW IT.

 I'll leave my current fav song. This song just describes my heart though this process and all the time really but more so recently. I know I can't do this alone.

Lifelong learning

Yesterday I went to church and while I was sitting there alone, wishing my husband wasn't curled up in bed; I started to realize just how much God has been working in my life. I've always been independent as Ive talked about several times in this blog but I don't know if I have ever explained that I don't always ENJOY being independent. Not only am I independent and rather stubborn at times I am also an extremely social person. When I was younger there was nothing worse then being alone, or doing something alone and heaven forbid I ever had to go somewhere (like church) alone.

I am now finding that God has been teaching me to cherish my alone time, or semi-alone considering Asher is obviously attached to my hip. To imagine myself 4 years ago sitting alone in church and actually enjoy it seems impossible. I am telling you its the little things God works in and through. Doing things alone may not seem like a big deal to other but for me it was learning about contentment and quietness and embracing the time and using it wisely instead of wasting it wishing I was doing something fun with a friend.

This definitely ties back into why I am no longer on facebook. I feel like a lot of people use facebook as a crutch or an excuse, which it is so easy to do. They don't have to go out and see people or call and talk because everyone has facebook. But I am srry facebook is just so....impersonal but also (depending on the person) way too personal. I never needed to know some peoples ENTIRE daily schedule with constant status updates and "check-ins" all day long. Stalker much?

I am so glad I am one of few who still values true friendship and communication. Trust me, computer to computer is NO way to spend a friendship.

I also have really become to value my time and become more thankful for the way my days are set out without feeling the need to be connected. I am now taking maybe 20-40 minutes spread out through out the day to check my email and write on my blog....instead of hours and hours and hours with facebook just chillin in the background.

I know, I know I could show some self restraint in this department and just NOT get on facebook but like I said there are many other reasons why facebook is no longer in my list of interests.

Well I guess this is my little note for the day, I'll leave you with a picture of Mr Adorable and his new craft supplies we bought while shopping today.

Sun soaked cheeks and Happy Shrieks!

Oh the fun I create!!!

So here's the story, as I walk to my car from the grocery store I noticed a bright red car next to mine that's littered with multiple "Obama" stickers.... This picture is how I respond to such outrageous idiocy.

Ps. This is all in good fun :)

Bye bye bye to Facebook!!

I am feeling so incredibly liberated because I just deleted my Facebook applications and decided to resign from a Facebook filled life! So glorious!!! This will now be my main mode of sharing and communicating, minus email of course. I will be posting more often and starting to include pictures and videos of Asher. Just want to update reminding everyone I haven't completely deserted them, although most act like it when I broke the news of NO Facebook *gasp* how can I survive?! Just fine is how, infact I promise my life and all who are present in it will appreciate my Facebook free lifestyle. YES, I dare to be different :) Off to snuggle with the little Mr. for some quiet reading Sun soaked cheeks and Happy shrieks! -Amber

Not my plans

I thought of something this morning. Something  I think is worth blogging about, considering this is basically my therapy session published for anyone to read. I need to process these thoughts, and ideas and turn them into positivity.

This morning my husband left for a his VERY FIRST business trip. I was very excited for him but in honesty I was excited for myself as well. I figured he's away on business this means I get to do things I WANT to do instead of what we want to do. I started making plans over a week ago for the 2/3 days he will be away. I wanted to have lots of play time with Asher maybe go to the children's museum. I made plans with friends and arranged a babysitter so I could have a night out! I figured it would be a great and quick 2/3 days of rejuvenation. I could make what I enjoyed for meals, I could clean at my leisure while Asher was at grandmas and the list goes on and on and on of all the lovely things I wanted to do.

Well what happens the second I give Jacob a big kiss and send him on his way? All my plans and I quite literately mean everything I wanted to do slowly one by one started falling through or apart completely. I no longer have a babysitter due to sickness (completely understandable seeing as everybody around me is sick at the moment) and then my father no longer agreed to watch Asher on my day of work, our bank account took a very surprising dip because of unseen bills that needed to be paid. Normally this stuff wouldn't bother me that much, its all things that happen in life. People get sick, bills need to be paid...unseen things pop up. I totally get that. It just seems to me that for the last 2-3 weeks every time I make plans or schedule out activities for myself or Asher they keep falling through.

Today I made the realization that maybe all these things keep falling through because God has other plans, different plans and most likely BETTER plans but I have failed in asking Him how would He like me to be spending my time and money.  Is it possible that God just wants me to slow down? To focus on what holds more importance such as getting enough sleep, spending more time with Asher, a tended to home and organization and that is why my plans never hold up.

God, I see your trying to tell me something. I'm not exactly sure what it is yet but I'm listening.  This song sums up perfectly how I'm feeling today. This is my prayer Lord. 

A bigger picture

Its time not for a new start or beginning because to many times I've said "this is a changing day- a new day". This time its different, this time its a continuation, a leap of faith and a longing for true forever change. Something that doesn't make me new but instead takes me to my essence, my core being- a  heart longing after God's own heart. This is where I don't try but I DO. I show myself mercy, understand and forgiveness because I am not perfect. I will fail but now I will allow myself to fail. To rise again, dust myself off and keep going instead of sinking deeper into my own muddy despair. I will love myself and others the way God calls me to, not the way I feel I or they deserve.

I will make small obtainable goals and not expect everything to come easily and change over night. I will enjoy the quiet moments and embrace the overwhelming one second at a time. I will seek God and His ways, and His wisdom before my own pleasures and desires. God and His way, His plan and His word are now my main desire.

I choose to be different and stand out in the crowd. I will be a "Jesus freak" or a "bible thumper" for HE is the reason I am alive and so blessed beyond words. For it is not by my own works but HIS GRACE that I am saved.

Proverbs 31:30
"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

Insane in the membrane! Insane...got no brain!

Have I stepped into the twilight zone? or am I still asleep and having the most vivid and longest dream of my life because last couple weeks of life feel like one big blur. I enjoyed the holidays and our little "vacation" to Minnesota  for my cousins wedding but ever since we returned I feel like I have to adjust to a new meaning of "everyday life".

It feels as if everything around my just sped up to like super sonic warp speed in a blink of an eye. First off time...time feels like a figment of my imagination. A lovely lofty idea in which I can make and hold a schedule and have left over moments for a hobby or say a social life. Time no longer exists in my world. I am officially on the crazy train headed straight to where ever the heck this train derails and throws me off. My days and weeks have turned from scheduled events and things to look forward to; into a time where I open my eyes in the morning, blink and its 11pm and I have no time to do a single thing I was suppose to accomplish that day.

My adorable, silly and very energetic son has turned into a hurricane of flip-flopping emotions and screams of "I love you mama" to "NO WAY." and "Go away mama." or my current favorite "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOOOO". We used to love running errands and going grocery shopping now I find myself eating cereal for 3 meals a day, accompanied by 10 cups of coffee praying I can put off going to the store with my insane mini-human for just one more day.

Now, don't get me wrong, Asher is a great little kid. So much fun, so loving, so creative has the biggest imagination but...haha and that is a very large BUT, he has his mothers and his fathers need for independence and our attitudes. If you know anything about Jacob and I you should know already that when I say Asher has our need for independence...that is a big UH OH. Add in the fact that he has our very stubborn some what sassy attitudes you can imagine the treat I'm in for. Allow me to remind you this mini human we created is ONLY 2 years and 8 months old! I can't even imagine what the years to come are going to bring my way.

So here I am, in this transition of moving on and adjusting to a new normal. Its rough, its exhausting and its a total mix of emotions but I have to admit it is also a lot of fun. Watching this amazing little thing that we created and that I freaking grew in my belly for 9 months start talking, and having an imagination and his own personality is just mind blowing. I just pray that God gives me the wisdom and strength to raise this little monster into the man that God has called him to be. I also pray that I am strong enough, and patient enough to remember to focus of the important things in life so that I may become the mother, wife and woman God has planned and needs me to become.

The Negativity Monster

Negativity.  It surrounds us on a daily basis in a variety of ways. Bombarding us in the most likely and unlikely of ways. Wake up in the morning and BOOM, simply waking up causes the negativity to start flowing in our minds, or maybe we are having a great day and that one little inconveniently placed person we run into just rubs us the wrong way.


It seems unfair to me that our minds can run away with untrue thoughts and self doubts that are completely exaggerated or pushed upon us by someones bad attitude. The older I get the more I understand and accept that I can only control myself, my own attitude, thoughts and reactions, but I also need to remember that those choices regarding my own personal stuff directly effects anyone I am in contact with. When I was a teenager if I was in a bad mood, or tired or simply irritated the whole world would know it and that's the way I wanted it to be. Everyone knows what I am talking about, you have met people like this. The type of person who no matter what some one does, says or doesn't say or do this negative person is going to be one big sour puss and they are going to make sure everyone with in a 20 mile radius is aware of their negativity, grouchiness, disapproval, or impatience...what ever the case may be. 

Without throwing anyone I love under the bus lets just say, I've been around theses types of people for basically my entire life and have learned how to conduct myself in the face of the negativity monster. The hardest part is not believing our own lies that we create in our minds or that we let people speak into our minds. 

When I am feeling really down on myself or super negative I try to have this mental talk with myself. Most the time I write it down on paper or type it out because its like free therapy in my opinion. I will sit down and just think for awhile and I let my self brag and boast and talk myself up like I never ever would to anyone face. I will find all the areas in my life that I am beyond proud of, that I know I succeed in. I will look in the mirror at the favorite part of my body and just go on and on about how fabulous I am. Now, I realize no one is perfect...everyone has flaw. But you can't sit here and tell me there is ONE thing you like about yourself or are proud of in your life. Focus on that, build on that and completely immerse yourself in the positivity of the amazing uniqueness of yourself. 

Call me corny, or totally cheesy but it works. I'll give you an example....only because I am trusting that no one will judging me on writing about myself. haha When I'm having a day where I feel like everything is wrong, and I have no patience and Im tired and don't want to do anything. I will sit at my computer with some nice soft relaxing music and remind myself I am twenty three years old. Only twenty three! What twenty three year old has a husband and a 2 year old and maintains a steady job, exercises regularly, cooks, cleans (everything), does laundry, pays the bills, keeps her husband happy, her son happy, her family happy, her friends happy and I just keep going on and on focusing on the things I am proud of and why I do them.


This is where you have to be careful its so easy for me to say "Well I'm sure there are other 23 year old women who do more, who has 2 or 3 kids and works FULL TIME and blah blah...." NO! NO! NO! STOP! We aren't talking about other women, or other people or anything. We are talking about you...your personal accomplishments and awesomeness. Do not allow yourself to go on a comparing rampage. You will feel 10 times worse. Allow yourself to soak in positivity, its all about the mindset. Its all about your attitude.


If you choose to be positive it makes a world of a difference in your entire life. You relationships with people, and the way you go about accomplishing your goals and aspirations. 

Please know that all of this is all very new for myself as well so I can't talk as if I am an expert but I will tell you what the past 4 years of my life are living proof that if you choose your own attitude and positivity and how are you are going to work at things daily, that your life can completely change. You don't have to be a slave to negativity. God gives you the tools to change your life and your attitude, use them.

Sunshine and Christmas Decorations!

Its December already! I can't believe it and what I can't believe even more than that is...there is NO SNOW in northern Michigan yet. How insane is that. Notice the new layout...that's snowy enough for me :) Jacob and I were talking yesterday about how incredibly awesome it would be if we only had 2-3 months of snow this year (completely unlikely) but hey we can dream right?


Well I already decorated the house for Christmas, which for me is huge! Its only December 5th!!! Normally I throw something together on Christmas Eve and then get irritated that I didn't do anything sooner. We just need our tree and we will be all set! Such a sense of accomplishment and pride. I love knowing that simple little things make my heart sing with contentment. The fact that the laundry is done, the dishes are scarce (oh don't judge yours aren't always finished either) and the house is picked up and decorated makes me just smile at my hard work.


I am not one of those people who magically have a perfect house all day, everyday. Its something I work at very very hard on a constant basis. You know those crazy people who can't go 30 minutes with their house in upheaval, or the type who follow their kids around cleaning up as they play....yeah well I'm not that type of mom, or person. I love love love a clean organized house, and chances are I will be very irritable and a bit frazzled if it's not picked up but for some reason that still doesn't magically keep my house looking nice 24/7.


I figure sometimes a messy house is a happy house. I love the quote "Don't mind the mess, we are busy making memories" That perfectly describes me and my family :)


God has been teaching me this small things is quiet ways lately. So quiet in fact, that until I sat down to write and I took the time to think, I barely recognized it. He is slowly, and quietly teaching me that in order to be a better wife, a better mother and a better person I need to take the time for myself. That doesn't mean I need to go on a spa day once a month or go on a shopping spree all for myself. He is showing me that it means taking care of myself in the smallest ways. I need to get enough rest, and make time to exercise and most importantly make Him and His word part of my DAILY not weekly routine.


All of that seems so simple but its so easy for me to get distracted by things that appear to be more important or fun at the time. Spending 2 hours on facebook, pinterest, netflix and other things on my computer can definitely be cut back to hmm...30mins or so and free up a lot of important time for other things that are better for me.


Sleep has been a big issue for me, I always know I need more but always fool myself into thinking I'll be fine without it. The truth of the matter is if I don't take the time to sleep it makes me more impatient which in turn makes me into no fun to be around...so I'm being unfair to Asher, Jacob and anyone else who crosses my path when I'm over tired.


If I dont' take the time to immerse myself in God's word daily then I am setting myself up to be attacked by satan himself. He will take full advantage of the fact I am vulnerable.


So there is my little snippet of what I've been learning lately. and now my friends, its time to eat my newly discovered favorite food (Japanese rice) and spend some time with the big guy upstairs while Asher boy is napping.

Hey go crack your Bible open, I promise you won't regret it :) Oh and Listen to the song "Give me faith" by Elevation Worship--its the video above :D


Love and peace.

I'll always be different, and I perfectly okay with that!

"Don't be be a quitter Amber"

That phrase has been repeated to me dozens of times through out my 23 years of life. Reading that small yet powerful sentence really unlocks some deep seated emotions inside myself. "Don't be a quitter"....I understand why it was said to me every time it slipped pasted some ones lips; but I don't think those individuals understood how those words sit inside of me. I know I see the world differently than most. In times when people, family, friends who all love and and are simply trying to motivate me by saying don't quit...its not the fact that I'm quitting something. I see things differently.

I am a straight shooter, always have been and it continues to get worse as I get older. Some would consider this being "bitchy" others would consider it standing up for myself. I will honestly admit, I have my moments where I don't come across they way I would to (hence the bitchy allegations) but most of the time its just me. I am either expressing how I feel, my opinions, beliefs and point of view. Yes, its true I tend to do this in an emotional way some times but hey I am a passionate person and I don't think that's a bad thing.

There are several things I've tried or started in my life and by all definition of the situation it would appear as if I quit them. I played baseball for 7 years then quit, I played tons of instruments ranging from piano, to drums and even the flute. I played basketball, soccer and tennis...all of which people would say I quit. I've taken a total of 4/5 semesters of college....and completed 1. The list goes on and on of things I have started and not finished aka "quit". I have countless memories of my dad telling me "Don't be a quitter".

This is where I finally get to clear the air....explain my point of view and possible get a few people off my back about "quitting". hehehe. As I said before I am a passionate person. I love hard, I fight hard. I work hard and procrastinate like a champ. If I am not passionate about something either in a positive or negative manner I don't think its worth having in my life. Lukewarm is very very uncomfortable for me. I am either red hot or freezing cold. I feel very intensely and strong about my family. I will do anything necessary to provide for them, care for them, love them, and defend them. I am red hot for my family. Things like basketball or playing the flute never held significant importance to me. I wasn't passionate about them. I never HATED them but I never LOVED them. It was a matter of I'll do it but it won't be my 100% and that's where I know I think differently from most people. Its not worth doing if you don't do it to the very best of your ability and life is way to short to put your energy into doing something 100% if you don't enjoy it. There are a bazillion other choices in the world.

I know a lot of people are not going to agree with me in this next paragraph and I know that it might even irritate some of you, but I've never been afraid to do that before :) So deal with it, or don't read it.

When it comes to college....I hate it. I hate it with a fiery passion of intense proportions. Can I do it? YES of course. I am a very intelligent person and I promise you if I put all my effort into it; I could ace every class it takes to get a bachelors or masters degree. Now here's the part that pisses people off. I DON'T WANT TO. Yeah, yeah...I hear you screaming at the screen saying "No one WANTS to do it Amber." Well then its their decision and my decision whether or not we just do it....or "quit". I'd much rather spend my time and energy on things I love and that I am passionate about and I know that anything I want to do in life. I WILL DO, with or without a college degree. At this point in my life I am a young wife and mother, not everyone agreed with my decision to do that but can I please ask you to stop and think. If you know me for the person I am in life outside of this blog answer this question. What kind of mother and wife am I? How hard do I work? I will toot my own horn until the sunrises in this instance because I know my potential and my values. I am an amazing mother, and a dedicated wife. Everything I do is in direct correlation to better my family and myself. I make sure to work extremely hard towards raising an amazing human being while becoming one myself. I choose to work so hard on my marriage every single day when its the LAST THING I want to do sometimes.

For those of you who tell me college will make me into the person I want or need to be, STOP! For those of you who judge me for how early I decided to start my family life, STOP! For those of you who think I have so much potential to be something more and great, STOP!


I am exactly where I want and need to be. I am working so hard every second of every day to be the wife, mother, daughter, friend and person I want to become. Just because its not what you want or what you value means nothing to me. Stop and really see me, for me. I am happy, I am content and yes I work part time at a coffee shop making $8.50/hr...but guess what I LOVE EVERY SINGLE SECOND of every single day of my life and I wouldn't change it for the world. Please don't worry about me because for once in my life, I have ME under control fully and completely. :)

The power of music

SURPRISE I'm back on schedule!! 

Your probably thinking this is going to be a really heart felt post about how music has touched me in a powerful way. I could totally do a post like that but frankly I'm not in a very serious mood today. :D

Its amazing how putting on some good music whether that means "oldies" from the 90's (you know you love N*sync and Spice Girls) or some Beyonce, Dave Matthews, or some up-lifting Christian praise music can change your whole day. I love all types of music. Nothing beats putting on whatever I'm in the mood for and having a karaoke dance session. Guaranteed if you ever unexpectedly show up at my house on my day off  you will find me un-showered, in my pj's and music on and me dancing and singing while going about my day. hehe Which could be anything from cleaning the kitchen to playing with Asher.


Speaking of which, allow me to pause for the next 4 mins as one of my current favs in on my Pandora....I know you would never know but I'm actually singing and dancing while writing this post.


I love that God  gave us such great things such as music to improve our moods and our day. To comfort us the way nothing else can.


Thank you God for the simple things in life. Show you how much you truly do love us.

Not feeling like myself lately...

I am having a hard time writing. This English 111 class and all my other duties are running me ragged lately. Please bare with me. I'm hoping to gain some inspiration and insight soon. I feel so tapped out, tired and dry. I suppose this is the time where I should push the hardest but right now at this moment.... I feel like I can't say much more, other than its 12 am, I worked all day, did  homework until 5 mins ago and have to be up at 6am. I don't mean to complain....

just have patience with me. Please stay interested. I promise I'll be back to myself again soon.

Writing a book?

So for the longest time I've wanted to write a book....I've started dozen of times. I seem to reach a certain point and stop. Why? Im not quite sure but I'd figure Id share the only draft I saved. I'd love some feedback. It is something you are interested in reading? Should I continue with this idea? Any feedback is helpful, thanks!

I started a memoir called "Giggles and Cries: The ups and downs of a young married mother"

Determination

      I’ve always been the girl of a thousand ideas, but never the girl to bring those ideas to fruition. God has blessed me with a very active imagination but when it comes to following through; let’s just say it has never been my strong point. I can remember, as I’m sure my parents can as well, as young girl I always had big plans for my future. It started out as an astronaut, the first female astronaut to land on the moon to be precise. That dream started in my elementary years sometime around the age of eight and continued until the age of twelve. It was then that I realized astronauts didn’t just jump into a space shuttle and off they fly into universe, they were smart; exceptionally smart. I never considered myself as an exceptional student and when my father informed me that astronauts had to be really good at math, in my mind it sealed my fate here on earth. Math has never been and will never be my forte.

After the death of my first childhood dream many, many others came and went.  Dreams of being a pianist, a teacher, a pastor, a singer in an all-girl band, a hair stylist, a poet, a painter,  a photographer but one thing I always knew I would be one day without a shadow of a doubt was a wife and mother. I had an overwhelming nurturing, motherly instinct since, well, birth I believe. A truly God given desire to be the best possible wife and mother I could be. An unbearable love and a compassion for my unborn children and future husband before I even knew how babies were made. I have always loved being in love, or the thought of being in love. I was always dreaming of my knight in shining armor and the cutest little babies that we would have after our glorious fairy tale wedding. That is why I started writing when I was around the age of thirteen I found myself enthralled with the idea of love, any kind of love. Love from God, my parents, my sister, and dare I even say love from a boy. I began writing little poems about different boys I liked and the feelings that accompany a young girl blossoming into her teenage years.

I found myself inspired by photos, and scenery but mostly music. Music to this day still has a way of reaching a spot in my soul that nothing else can. In fact, I am currently listening to quiet piano music as I write this chapter. I will never forget the first song that inspired me to write, it was by a band name LaRue, a brother and sister duo who sang Christian music. I was like a love sick puppy enamored with the older brother named Phillip and the sister Natalie sang so beautifully I wanted to be just like her. The song was from their album “Transparent” titled “Fallen for you” the very first line of the song reads “As though the world was wearing black and you were wearing white”, that line right there jump started a whole new world and a whole new dream for me.  It was that line that I wrote my very first poem from and after that I knew, writing was something I would continually build on. A gift God had given me that one day I would use for His glory, and His praise. That is why this book is such a big deal for me. For so long I have wanted to be something great, had this desire to do something great - little did I know it was right in front of my face. The one thing I thought was nothing special will turn into something spectacular. 

Like I stated earlier following through has never been my strong point. I played multiple instruments, so many that I am not even sure I could name them all and yet I have nothing to show for it. I always quit when it gets too difficult; when something challenges me past my comfort zone or my currently ability level I have the tendency to run from it. This is strange because I’ve always been a strong-willed woman, known for my independence, my strength but my lack of determination has affected me for far too long. Determination has now become the driving force behind my writing. I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I want to be able to say I finished something, and that it meant something. So here is my follow through and only by God’s grace and His strength will I finish this book.

Zipped shut, locked and the key thrown away

wooo baby, I'll be honest in saying this post will not be an easy one for me as I am sitting here shaking. I want to simply go off on the things that upset me and why....but I have to constantly remind myself that sweet little quote from Bambi..."If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" or the ever popular mentality of "kill them with kindness".

This goes against my nature, my personality and my attitude in so many ways. I am not a quiet-sit-in-the-corner person. I am also not a fighter, I strongly abhor confrontation especially over fivorlous things and I would much rather be happy and smiley, but there I'd be lying if I didn't say things often upset me to the point of tears, shaking and absolutely rage. Anything I feel strongly about or feel as if I am loosing respect over sends me over the top in about .01 seconds flat. This has forced me to learn very quickly I can't always act on those feelings and anger. It is easily one of the hardest things in my life that I am determined to work on. I choose to respect others even when I myself am not respected. I choose to conduct myself in a lady-like and Christ-like manner and spouting off when I'm upset, or giving them a piece of my mind does not fall into those categories.

Make no mistake, I am not a push over but I will do my very best to reprimand you respectfully and tastefully. I figure this has a bigger impact that being  rude, condescending and every other horrible attribute you can imagine. Hear me when I say....I could easily tell you exactly how I feel, I could easily make you as upset as you made me, I could be rude, disrespectful and so much more but I have more respect for myself and I am more mature than that.

So please, treat me the way I treat you. No secret undertones, no under the breath cursing....respect and kindness. The way Jesus tells us to treat each other.

I can do it myself, Im a big kid!

Uh oh, I feel as if I am a little child about to apologize to her parents....I know I told you I was posting Mondays and Wednesdays but I'll be honest this week I felt a little overwhelmed and I spent the majority of my week, working at the coffee shop in the morning, being mommy and cleaning in the afternoons then bust my little bum on homework once the lil monster eventually fell asleep. So I figured, homework took priority over my blog posts. I'm thinking most people will respect that decision. Sorry for the late post, hopefully I'll still post Monday as planned.


I love that way the smallest events influence and inspire my writings and not just that but my thought patterns as well. Five minutes ago Asher did something (for the millionth time) that made me stop and go, WOW God, I love the way you use him to show me things about you and about my relationship with you. Its so great the way I get a real life illustration of how God relates, loves and thinks of us. 

 I have always been an independent woman. Just ask my parents-- this developed at an extremely young age, from two years old and on I always believed I could do it myself or at least I would try my very hardest a couple hundred million times before admitting I may need a little bit of  help and guidance. This has always been my default thought process. "Oh I can do this, I don't need any help. I can figure this out no problem." I would want to everything even though I was obviously to little or young to do these things on my own. I was determined I could do them on my own or figure out a way to help myself. I could always pour my own drinks, I would want to dress myself, I didn't need mommy and daddy to do it. I can do it myself, I'm a big kid!


When I found out I was pregnant I remember my mother and I specifically laughing and joking about the fact that my child will most likely be JUST like me and then I could see it through the eyes of a parent and how difficult it is to step back and just let your child make mistakes. Well, guess what....we were right, Asher is identical to mommy (and daddy for that matter, Jacob is pretty independent as well). We created a mini-human that feels almost identical to us in nature. I never realized how incredibly hard and completely frustrating it must have been for my parents raising a strong independent mini woman. I sit here and watch Asher and think to myself "Oh little boy, don't just don't, it will save you so much trouble if you stop dropping you car  behind the couch". I can't resist saying something to him. I can't tell you how many times I've repeated to Asher "Hunny, let mommy help you please." and of course he refuses.


This morning as I am sitting here sipping my morning coffee and beginning what I thought would be a short, post about the funny things in marriage; Asher proceeds to take his juice cup and pull the lid off and spill it all down the front of himself. I chuckle because he is soaked and very upset that he spilled it all down his front. I tell him "You need to leave the lid on your juice hunny. You're too little to open it yourself, you'll spill it every time." I clean him up, get him some new clothes and more juice. Then not 3 minutes later what happens? He is screaming again I look back already knowing what I'm going to find. Juice, all down his front and this time on his face. I proceed to clean him up again and this time get a new screw-on-top cup and then hand it to him and say "Here is a new cup, guess you can't handle the other one yet." and it hits me. 

Imagine how God feels about us trying to do things by ourselves. I guarantee he knows we are going to spill it everywhere. He must stand there thinking, "I handed you this cup to see if you can handle the responsibility of it. If you use it correctly the way I gave it to you, you'll be fine. But if you take matters into your own hands and want the lid off because you think you can handle more well then its all going to fall apart and spill in your face." It makes me laugh to think God just sees just as little children learning things on our own when He is there to offer so much help, guidance and knowledge. We don't rely on him or ask him because we think we are big kids...all grown up. We don't need anyone's help! No wonder things don't go according to our plan. I'm sure there have been times in my life where God hands me a new "cup" because I couldn't handle the other one yet. It was too much for me to handle and I didn't listen to Him and His guidance so for my own good he had to take it away.

So here is my new prayer Lord. Teach me to use my cup that you give me. Help me to realize you have my best interest in mind--ALWAYS. I know I can't always do this alone, please Lord help me to know when I need you. That in everything I do, no matter how big or how small you are dying to be apart of it. You stand there watching, waiting, thinking "I'm just waiting for you to ask me to help you my love, I will make things easier. I will help in ways you don't even know will help." Thank you for being my daddy. Thank you for always being beside me just waiting for me to ask for help and honestly Lord thank you for not forcing me. You know my heart, you know the way I am for you created me. You know how important it is to me that your always there even when I think I don't need help. Even when I think I've got everything figured out. You're amazing Lord. Thank you for teaching me something new everyday. Amen.

The things mom and dad don't tell you about

This commences my new blogging schedule, and I am really excited about it. I have decided to start blogging every Monday and Thursday. I would love to hear what others want to read about...so please please please comment your suggestions, thoughts and anything really. Comments are what keep me going, the encouragement is nice and seeing what interests my "readers" is always important.


I got a suggestion off of my facebook from my friend Elizabeth. She suggested the topic of marriage and I figured that would be a great topic to kick of my regular posting. Also, Elizabeth has her own blog click to check it out! I have to support my fellow bloggers, plus she has a great blog.


I have decided the perfect title to this post about marriage is "The things mom and dad don't tell you about". The reason why I picked that title is because in my own life and marriage that was the number one thing I found myself questioning and asking myself. How in the world did my parents NOT telling me about this? Don't get me wrong I'm not completely naive, I didn't go into my marriage or into my life thinking it would be perfect, easy or fun all the time; but in all honesty I'm shocked at some of the things that went undiscussed.


Let me give you a bit of background in case you don't know these things about me. I am currently 23 years of age, my husband is exactly 2 weeks older than me and our son turned 2 in June. Now back in 2007 Jacob (my husband) and I started dating and very, very quickly became engaged. As you can imagine not everyone, in fact a very select few people were actually excited about this news. We are all of 19 years old and of course everyone assumed we were jumping into things far to quickly. Jacob and I were sure of ourselves and knew wholeheartedly that we were not going into this engagement and ultimately marriage completely blind and ignorant. I can say that its fair to say that damn near every single person we knew questioned us at least once, whether it was to our face or behind our backs. We stayed strong and preserved knowing we had to make everyone else eat their words and realize we aren't just stupid teenagers making rash decisions.


So fast forward about a year later, well 10 months and I am in the midst of planning our wedding for the summer of 2009, when we get the shocking news that instead of having a wedding in June, we would be having a baby! We did not plan this mind you, and not that I need to defend myself, but I was on birth control. Jacob and I were overwhelmed with excitement yet frozen with fear. We always knew we wanted children and we knew we wanted them young but we didn't expect it THIS quickly. So here we go with round two of making everyone around us question everything we are doing. Of course the news of having a baby at 21 years old didn't excite most people at first, but once everyone realized how excited we were and  saw we are completely devoted to being the best parents we could be, things settled down and new life brought excitement. Jacob and I quickly decided we wanted to be married before the baby came and had a nice, quiet and intimate wedding in February of 2009 and our son was born shortly after in June 2009.


Okay, so now that you have a bit of background on mine and Jacob's past and decided to keep reading this long winded post...I'll get to the good stuff.


When Jacob and I got married, I knew marriage was not easy. I knew that I would have to work at it, but there was a lot that honestly I didn't know about. I was rather upset that my mom or no one for that matter failed to mention such things, or maybe I failed to notice/listen. Here is my list and this is just off the top of my head, I'm sure if I kept a true list I could add to it daily. Haha.


 Things I never knew about marriage:

• Marriage is a mirror
• As women/mothers we have are own special cross to bear
• You will argue about the most meaningless things as if they are life and death.
• Marriage is not fair, don't ever think it is.
• You will never understand the true meaning of sacrifice and compromise until your married or/and have children.
• You get sick of being married some times...ITS NORMAL.
• You always, ALWAYS have to work at marriage.
• Love is a VERB, not a feeling.

That list could go on and on for days...and I originally wanted to write about each one of those topics but when I started to do that I realized I could easily write a blog post about each one of those things. So If you would like to me to expand on one or more of those topics just leave me a comment and I will make it a future post.


As you can see marriage is a forever learning process. I strongly believe our divorce rate is so high for multiple reasons but one of the main reasons is because people are to quickly to just quit at any sign of hardship thinking "marriage isn't suppose to be hard"....well I'm sorry friends but that is the biggest joke I've ever heard. If marriage wasn't suppose to be hard, than frankly, NO ONE would be married. Not a single person. Marriage is not perfect, its not always easy, or even fun. Its exhausting, strenuous, but it can push you and make you and mold you into not only an amazing person, but an amazing couple and family. God uses not only the big things but the smallest things to shape you into the person He created you to be. Through hardship and pain comes unbelievable reward, happiness and a love you will never find anywhere else. The way a husband loves his wife, and wife loves her husband is irreplaceable. 


I may complain about Jacob, I may get so furious with him that I can't even be in the same room as him, but until I am completely perfect, blemish free which will never be; I am only responsible for myself. In marriage it is so hard to focus on yourself and things you need to work on instead of just screaming and pointing the finger at the behaviors your spouse needs to correct. Let me just leave you with this verse for it is one I repeat daily in my head to remind myself of what God says about me pointing a finger.


This is from the message: I love the message because of its contemporary language. 

Matthew 7:1-5
"Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor" 

Here is the NIV
Matthew 7:1-5
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."